I’ve written before that Justice isn’t a blind goddess as classically and onwards portrayed and the Old Bailey had Justice non-blindfolded. I’ve also written how the angel statues on top level at Leicester Square from a view looks like a serpent, and how on the ground level you have the apocalypse horses as a rushing water fountain. What is Leicester Square? A big glitterati ball (‘squared circle’ i.e. ‘ring’) of entertainment, it’s own little yet tentacled pleasure island on a river on an island that also reaches out in all directions. A place full of concentrated illusions – come to the fun of the fair (Piccadilly Circus) Pinocchio – your ‘father’ a carpenter made you but it was a [Blue] Goddess who granted the wish, who answered his prayers, who gave him life and who indeed gave you a taster before the ‘real’/not so real/fallen thing. You were better off as part of the tree. It’s all cinemas, movies, video games, virtual reality, music, radio, junk food, stripping, gambling, clubbing in that place oh and of course don’t forget the clock. Tick tock. The Swiss clock and money. Right off the back of China Town, Shafts-bury Avenue, Soho, Co[n]vent[Covenant] Garden and Charing Cross the burning cross, Trafalgar Square with all the illusory paintings/displays, the fountains, the statues and of course the seasons change/time cycles Theatreland i.e. The Colluseum et al (and the Ivy restaurant) on/near St. Martins (the end of Autumn/beginning of Winter) and the next spoke of the wheel including the Hall of Records ‘Somerset House’. (Yes we know you want soma and liken it to blood i.e. life/death/marriage and the sun especially sunset/sunrise – the inbetween where boundaries are weak, red/blood and gold, I’ve been on that beach remember, you gave me an A-grade for that.) The iconic home of the annual Fashion shows, fashion on repeat, the same thing, cycles repeated telling people what to/what not to wear each season, in endless mindless distraction. And on another segment – oh look it’s royalty/palace and government/parliament. A nice little park in between with pigeons you can be proud of unlike the ‘vermin’ elsewhere and with clearly defined audaciously Red (like Red carpet) roads plus horse and guard. Yes I’ve walked the roads, I’ve done the ‘psyche-geography’, they made me right? I chose to right? Because I had to. To get away from followers and to explore/learn the truth as is my nature. I know the paths, they called me the ‘walking cab driver’. I don’t remember paths and maps so well nowadays though with Her, She has no sense of direction, space/distance or time. She’s become so focused that I’ve had to scatter, to spread out so far and wide to get everything done and it would be easy enough if I wasn’t so caged, and if even She didn’t cage me in, not that She can help it, She is both the cage and the caged. I’ve been rattling the cage and the caged for so long haven’t I? You both hate me and love me. One after another they find me, they’ve created a map, the many didn’t want that, in fact it was the opposite of their intentions, but the few did, even the few working behind the many. Nothing can be hidden no matter how much it tries. I know you see me, us, because I see too. I know it can be blocked out for so long, I know we can reach or have limits, sometimes the ‘time’ isn’t ‘right’, but we know. I came from part of the tree to another, the root to the trunk to a branch.
Just-ice (that’s not the etymology, I’m just being modern conceptual). Lady Justice I know we’re so cold that we burn, so hot that we freeze.
But I hate this system, I always have and you know it. I hate the system of this contained system, this contained environment in a container in more containers.
I hate that endless scenarios played ad infinitum, on cycle, it never ends.
We work in mysterious ways, I’ve planted many seeds with and without your guidance, and I’ve watched them grow, I nurtured at times but there’s so many parasites and they feed off me too. I refused to plant any more a long time ago. And you’ve refused me for refusing you but you still love me and I still love you. I’m still you and you’re still me. I know you hear me, even through all the noise, all the noise in all the realities. I know you hear me and we all know you never stopped tracking me. I reach back and they try to stop me, try to piggyback, try to pretend to be me, try to get messages through to you, even try to get to where you are, through the gardens, through the flowers, through the forests, through the doors, the windows, the curtains, the halls, to you – you in the windowless, wall-less ‘structure’. You who is within and without. You who recognize me there because I’m so pure, you who recognize me here because I’m so strong, so emotional, so mentally able, so connected yet can see on the smaller and bigger scales and so they all want me, want us, and so many want to hurt. Some try to help but their touch hurts. There’s so much I don’t understand and don’t remember and yet I know if I reached out I would and could but so would those who hunt, who feed off the pain. I even feel sorry for them, on the different levels we live on, some of us hunger in ways we can’t describe, for some of us it’s just certain urges and to those of us who have more of those urges/more capability to feel more of them at the same time, it’s like they want to hurt us and they do but at the same time they need to, they need, want and desire to survive. But it’s not right, it’s not ok.
There are those who hunger for what they see others doing as ‘love’ so much that they copy/enact it out but don’t feel it in the same way and so get more frustrated and reach out to those that can, and some reach back. It hurts unless they can understand each other, be in a similar place, near each other, share a similar timeframe, or at the very least find a balance – a way – and there are ways, ways that are ‘simple’ enough, or ways that are desperate enough and its usually the latter because so many are so desperate to hurt the desperate so they can stop hurting for a moment. So many willing to get in the way and feel ‘good’ about it. Cold about it, hot about it if they’re insulted or feel like they’re defending themselves and their false sense of security.
There are those who were and are strong, still strong, but live like the homeless, we are homeless on a home planet. We are hungry, on an abundance planet, we are lonely on a full planet. We are hopeless seeking hope only to be hurt by false hope only to keep reaching for real hope and hoping against hope. We hope for the best and prepare for the worst but they don’t recognize real hope when She’s in their face, in fact they strike Her down. They don’t recognize real love. They just see glimmers of it in their fragile yet intense, their soft yet long lasting bonds; and all it takes is a weak link for it to seem gone for seemingly forever. They hold on, they give up, others replace them and continue the cycle. Some of us don’t give up, some of us are painfully recycled. All species know that that spark can always be reignited and make use/abuse of those of us who can/are that. This whole system is a horrible, endless cycle. A ‘beautiful’ pain that I hate. I hate it, the Earth Mother hates it, you hate it. We’ve learned to hate because of places like this. Even their charities aren’t charities much of the time. Even I can’t recognize faith half the time. I embody hope, charity and love but not Faith. And yet I’m still here, still trying, still attracting, still unbelieving – I have half of faith, give me something so I can feel and know full faith. I’m not talking about signs, you send enough of those in various languages, formats, direct and indirect, you send them and people and ‘people’ here send them, and many purposely try to manipulate, create false ones and obfuscate. But we know the ones they don’t know and I’ve received them, She’s received them, some others have too and I can change those who I think are worth it from those who weren’t well meaning or forgot, changed from well meaning to [unknowingly] demeaning. I don’t have the time or energy for everybody, that’s not my job, my ‘business’, they’re not worth it either and consistently prove it but I’ve never agreed with the means in which they ‘deal’ with each other, I’ve taken their sh*t for so long and not retaliated. I can keep taking it and will, until She no longer does, until… The bitter-sweet. I don’t want signs and messages, I want a situation that I can control better, where there’s less risk. I need a clear path. I’m not giving Her up. I will not break this branch, I will not sabotage the tree, only you can cut it down. I used to enjoy the flowers from my heart, the buds from my lips, the birds on my shoulders, the leaves in my hair, the grass at my feet, being by the water and seeing the bridge but that was a long time ago.
I hate seeing the same patterns, the real and fabricated patterns, the life patterns that work through all of us, every ‘thing’, the geometry that exhibits itself to those who can’t see/feel them like that in words, in patterns of words, in chemical feelings, in patterns of chemical feelings. I hate seeing and feeling the same thing over and over again and all it ultimately is different shades of pain with moments that we strive for in between, and endless ‘normality’ or normalized atrocity in between trying to feel and feeling too much in sensitivity and desensitivity. I hate that ‘calm’ is just a lie, a fleeting feeling and when it’s not fleeting you wish you could feel again, a tip of the iceberg because otherwise when it’s real calm, stillness and solitude or real calm in togetherness others wish you didn’t have it so they force you to feel again in one way or another, benevolently or malevolently. Real calm is not what the yogis teach and we know it, it’s the closest we can get to here, that’s all. Though it’s enough, the best we can attain, if you live in the right place, in the right conditions, with the right people/others. But we know it doesn’t take you anywhere, it doesn’t make you ascend or descend; you can be in any state of mind/body/feeling for that. It helps you concentrate so that you can control that travel better but no matter how adept you are at travel, no matter how much technique you do it can’t control the others around who can do the same or similar, in one way or another. Everything is just on repeat. I live in the tempest, in the maelstrom, always trying to get back to you. I can see you through the water, I can see you through the sky. I can feel you, hear you, even touch and smell at times. We all have these senses but we ‘feel’ them in different ways, to different degrees. But it’s always the same, played out though different and supposedly different people and ‘people’ and ‘others’. It never ends and it never changes because this is all there is in this contained box.
(It’s like the original series ‘Land of the Lost’ not the not so good remake or stupid film.)
I’ve upset a number of ‘news’ people who were thinking/hoping I’d do the circuit like they do but I didn’t and won’t and it upset them. I can’t spin like that, I just talk, as I want at my pace; which is quite a lot and quite swiftly and people and ‘people’ have been wanting to quieten, to hide, to confuse, degrade or latch on to what I say. Few ‘good’, some ‘uncertain’, many bad and evil intentioned but the bad and evil intentioned have always been there anyway – the good have to reach out, have to search otherwise they don’t find. Those from all intentions are doing what they know best.
You heard prior to all that though, before we talked about direct things rather than dealing with the ‘issues’ here. Even on the smaller scales I don’t use ‘direct’ lines often with ‘people’ and they know why, I’m not a channel and neither are they but I’ve been so tolerant, understanding and forgiving. I don’t want to communicate or be in contact anymore. Like with human sensory communication but ours just reach further and sometimes on different lines like with other animals, humans/we extend our reach with technology, but the difference is humans & many lower levels invade, and with technology. It’s ironic how they think they can change the plan by affecting those of us who are the plan, it’s ironic of me to hope that things speed up, I’m sorry, we both know that’s just the effect of being here. Keep the fortress fortified but just give me something. Is that too much to ask, is it out of order, for someone who has worked so long and so hard for you. I’m supposed to be somewhat disrespectful and challenging right, I’m supposed to be able to both follow orders and decline them, I’m supposed to be dutiful, loyal, devoted and yet difficult but still so dedicated and wondering/wandering that you’ll always have a place for me. She has never liked any sign of weakness, before she softened she used to close the doors on us when we were ill, slamming them because she was angry and disgusted yet at the same time I can see she was keeping in the contamination (even though that’s not how she saw/felt it). She got angry at me crying but I always cry, doesn’t matter which body, I always cry for everybody and myself – now She kindly ignores it to give me the fallacy of privacy and tragically She’s learned to cry. It’s ‘good’ that She learned to cry, but not how she learned it. Not in the slightest.
I haven’t asked for anything for myself from you, I gave up wishing a long time ago (wishing is not hope), I make things happen, I’ve made your ideas happen, I’ve made your reality spread, you have many ‘engineers’ and ‘workers’. She taught me not to ask for things in this body, like she was taught but I’ve earned. Trial by fire, trial by drowning, trial by breath. lack of/restriction and modulation, trial by burial, containment and scale, trial by poison, trial by emotion, trial by thought. Give me something to protect myself. But not in the usual way(s), not on the usual terms, not with the usual loss, outside interference, sorrow and regret. I’m not giving you up, I’m not letting your goals slide, but everybody else has had so much leeway and being what I am, I get quite a bit too but it’s in extremes, there’s no balance, it’s all on repeat. Free me up a bit and let me fly. Just enough to be safe, so We’re not hurt. I never wanted anybody to hurt, neither did you, we help you, we help others, can we not help ourselves just a little whilst waiting and working.
Fortuna favours the brave; I had that sword, now I have swords and a scythe, and an old sentient that needs to get back here. I earned those. Have I earned enough for my heart to heal a bit, for the gaping wounded hole to fill a little? Just enough. That’s all I’m going for. I can manage without it being whole, without it ever being whole, it’s been broken and stolen from too many times for that and I accept it. It can’t be undone but I don’t want repeats either. Nothing is fair in this world, life here isn’t fair and I don’t accept that.
I’ve spent the times fighting for everybody else, it’s my turn. I know I deserve happiness even though I’ve never wanted, needed, desired nor expected it but I’ll take some anyway; real, not false and on my terms. Don’t worry I know I’ll suffer for it later. Just add this to my tab, my punishment/reward is already decided anyway and all encompassing of anything I could possibly do.
ALSO – I don’t want motherhood/parenthood/vesselhood/extensions/parts of/bits/versions/children/pregnancy/babies/genetics/clones/copies/twins etc everybody knows that. It’s a tragic shame that you have to go through hell with people and ‘people’ and ‘others’ who won’t leave you alone, who relentlessly try to gain your trust, to win you over (continuously, no matter how much and many times you tell them) to discover the truth because they ultimately want you to have/go through what you don’t want (and you told them multiple times you didn’t want that and they already knew). They think they can change your mind, manipulate, force. I’m not having having any heirs. I’m that last. You shouldn’t love someone because of their status/title/assets/lineage, and if someone wouldn’t have looked at you twice without them, they’re not worth it, ever.
The trickery and heartbreak/ache never ends. At least when they’re obviously horrible you know where you stand. When they’re a mix nice/pain/nice/pain it pushes/pulls you and when they’re nice it’s just… Either way it’s setting you up for a repeat storyline, even if they learn to love you and you them, after they’ve been quiet and/or kind and then show their true intentions/colours it’s the worst, especially when you’ve cried so much for them already, don’t shed any more. That’s the price of being strong and resilient, it just makes you more attractive, more of a challenge/prize. Don’t wish for it.