This is an extension of something I wrote to someone:
Ritual Abuse: Temptation, the idea of Deliverance, false Reward, Shame, Humiliation and Losing Yourself.
I’m usually quite formal and polite but I don’t really know how to put this and you’ve probably heard it all before so I just have to take a personal tone immediately.
I don’t want to start like Charles Dickens’ ‘David Copperfield’ and make an attempt at being chronological yet skip back and forth but that’s the style in which I increasingly think now.
I’ve always had vivid dreams as I’ve had sleep paralysis since I was 12 (I’m 33 now) but since March 2016 (the earliest point I’m aware of) something changed and it’s far too much for me to cope with. My dreams became real in that characters within them ‘came out’ of dreams into waking reality, I’ve ‘seen’ them in moments sometimes translucent, sometimes in visions (eyes open and closed, colourless and colour Hi-def visions, computer screen visions and images in dreams, being forced to learn to read in dreams) and I hear them just as if they were in the room. Tragically they’ve gone from seeming to be in the same room/space as myself (and anywhere outside I go) to being ‘inside’ my head, now there’s no longer any or enough space for me to be stable/sane, just knowing they’re there makes me incapable and small, getting smaller by the day. I can’t concentrate on anything anymore; the people I love, the ‘reality’ I’m in, my awareness of my own body except the most essential bodily functions which unfortunately I’m acutely aware of and find hard to carry out. Said ‘entities’ (and/or people with technology and spiritual/metaphysical capabilities) can not only read my thoughts, they are aware of them before/as soon as I have them so I don’t even need to fully think them out let alone ‘voice’ them with my own inner/mental voice (as opposed to mouth voice which they can also hear), they can ‘see’ all the images I have in my own as well as superimpose their own, remove and edit mine, and know what I feel though nowadays my feelings are severely limited to exasperation and being at the end of my tether.
Some of the innumerable terms and phrases ‘they’ve’ used is that I’ve been “denatured”, that I was “susceptible to programming, hypnotism, suggestion”. Turned from one thing/type to another. Losing oneself. The worst of it began in mid-August. In my own diagnosis I’ve had two nervous breakdowns, predetermined split personality/ies (but not real, just something that comes up when they push and pull too hard), have lost all my yoga/energy techniques and the days just pass me by. In its/their opinion I’ve had “shock” and “trauma”. It’s possible that my character is changing to accommodate (unwillingly) the personality/ies connected to me such as preferences that are alien to my own e.g. meat and dairy, fetishes, swearing and blaspheming (I’m vegan, heterosexual and generally mild mannered, and it/they’ve told me “get over your morals”).
Other aspects of the ‘programs’ I’ve been put through are sleep deprivation (both preventing me from sleeping plus waking me up, orchestrating my dreams including both characters I don’t know and people from my past within them, even commentating through them as if watching at the same time like a cinema – my body being their entertainment system and mind a virtual scenario e.g. I’ve been used as a video game character in dreams and even shown the graphics for a dream environment) and loss of appetite (not even being able to drink). “But we can’t let you sleep until [wanting something/another method/to know who I am]”, “we’ll let you have a few minutes every [few] hours”. Taking the ‘third eye’ colours (such as the Green and Blue you described when you learned how to use your pineal gland), blinding with too much light/brightness, shutting out the light like using a set of inner eyelids/shutters on the eyes, deafening, inner mind voice vs mouth voice, making my inner voice silent, stopping sentences, unable to pronounce letters, loss of diction/sentence structure/word definitions, unable to mouth speak, feeling like I can’t talk to other people or even be around them because my very presence desecrates them and isn’t good enough, parroting the ‘voices’ to separate it/them from my own, it/they imitate my voice, make it louder, make it hard for me to discern it/theirs and my own, play music/songs in my mind. I’m so used to it I sometimes have to talk within my head myself constantly to try to drown them out/block them and then I can’t stop, finishing their sentences and able to carry out whole conversations whether they’re talking or not. They’re able to cause ecstatic emotions/feeling of greatness, a “visionary”, (“she’s special”), godhood, disliking me talking in third person (apparently made them ‘feel’ guilty), body consciousness/disgust, sexual focus/inappropriate sexual focus/machismo, fear of being watched/listened to various consequences such as indigestion/constipation and a couple of fits (all of which they could relieve/end manually) and finally having to let go of all inhibitions/want of privacy, creating a “soldier” (without the violence) at times obeying commands to go to the bathroom/get changed.
I’m suffering memory loss from missing dreams, general knowledge, specific knowledge i.e. from studied subjects, diction/definitions, basic mathematics, even my favourite things like movies/books/music, a loss of appreciation for nature and day to day events, even thoughts from a few moments before to the point of torturers ‘helping’ [themselves ultimately] telling me where things are/how to do things/how to behave in public so as not to get in trouble, they especially didn’t like the outbursts of ‘manic’ laughter I temporarily had. Apparently any deviation from my ‘normal’ behaviour in public could get them into trouble despite their threats of terrorism and Manchurian Candidate (“ice-cream candidate” i.e. I scream candidate for a/the “game” which supposedly incorporates “players” who can access your stats such as location/looks/storyline(s), apparently they don’t all know each other – can play alone and/or in groups – and don’t all have the same access to your information; “you called”, “I didn’t know you looked like that”, “but I’ve been there, I’ve seen where she lives”, “where does she live, give me her address”, it’s always changing). Much of this ordeal seems very like Franz Kafka’s ‘The Trial’ where there’s a secret court/trial/tribulation and indeed detainment/imprisonment going on in my own head/mind and body. “She’ll know what it’s like to get raped everyday” (even in a physical location somewhere “Argentinean prison”.)
Belief and lackthereof has been a major point for them, wanting me to believe anything they say (from lovebite storylines, dreamspace ‘police’/military and militia and “hospital”/double/cloning related, private contractors, ultraterrestrial and extraterrestrial to terrorism/criminal, US vs Russia, British Secret Service, aristocracy/royalty, Skull and Crossbones society, brotherhood, astral/space travelling or remote viewing, paranormal investigators, watchers etc) to becoming disassociative, desensitized, disconnected and ultimately despondent. Shame, humiliation and blame are also their focus, sporadically inserting moments of ‘reward’ to get me through, allow me a few moments of ‘grace’ before the next punishment which most recently has included being able to move/jerk my limbs for me (which I call ‘shocking’ and they call “punching”), buzzing in my head and masking my Mother’s presence – a few days ago (can’t even remember the day) we went to the New Forest (UK, England) and all I heard was a fly buzzing behind me until it/they cleared up the noise it/they’d started in the first place and I realized it was my Mother praying behind me. They probably found that offensive since they added a new sound after that, I’ve gotten used to so much noise whether loud or quiet (since they let me ‘hear’ them whatever the volume – volume they can adjust) that my left and right side hearing switches and I’m having trouble traveling outside especially on roads.
It/they enjoy confusing me; playing all sides ‘good cop’, ‘bad cop’, ‘in between’ sometimes all at once or in ‘shifts’ as well as initiating or gauging and then reiterating/reinforcing fears into phobias.
I’ve become very much the invalid trying to convalesce, unable to move around much, sit/stand straight, really cold all the time (have to wear far more clothing/blankets than necessary), lost most of my physical strength (I was very fit) and am generally lethargic and feel ill. Being unable to laugh or cry properly has hit me hard. Exercise has no effect for me anymore either, anything a tiny bit ‘stressful’ like brushing my teeth is overdoing it, all the breathing techniques I had are of no help and the visualization methods are particularly detrimental (in addition to the hilarity over me being unfeminine now).
I only sound lucid now because I’ve been making notes throughout the year and this is an occasion where I can somewhat concentrate because it’s selfish or about something it/they find interesting. They’ve called me many things and have claimed they know about my blood sugar level, blood type/pressure, have collected bodily fluids (yet apparently don’t have any of my ‘physical’ DNA), that they fixed a chronic jaw issue which I should apparently grateful for. That I’m a “paranoid schizophrenic”, that I have “leukemia”, “alopecia”, “epilepsy”, “cerebral palsy”, multiple/split personality” and verged on “body dismorphia” (but didn’t want to go there), “sickle cell”, “aspergers”, “diptheria”, “you should have the flu” and “smoke” (in additional to coded language/terminology they use whilst imitating my own style of talking “Dolly dialogue”). Yet when they back off a little I don’t feel physically ill, my sense of humour even shows a tad but I simply cannot stand its/their presence, just knowing it/they’re there is too much for me. “I/We bought you”, “you’re mine”, “you’re interesting” (though I don’t understand how anymore), “it’s (having me) fun” and constantly grading/rating me “pass”, “fail”, using criteria like intelligence and imagination and marks out of 10.
The point is I’m ready to die or “murder by assassination” as they call it “we don’t make people suicidal, it’s unprofessional” (in addition to the “you’re already in/going back to the [insane] asylum” in their so-called “hospital” in which I apparently “wail”, have been convicted and drugged).
I’m not (the following are names it/they’ve used for/about me): a bunch of Indian goddess names, Venus, Delilah, runt, cybernetic (told me to look this up in a legal dictionary, hybrid, spy, hacker, weapon, tool, Queen of Sheba, psychotronic whore, mad Max, mollusc, Mother Hubbard (cupboards bare), Horatio, Hamlet, Heaven, panther, samead, gypsy, Black Beauty, blacksmith, archer, songs from the animation ‘Sleeping Beauty’, calling themselves Mad Men (like the tv show?) Susie Q (I wasn’t sure what that was about other than the Creedence Clearwater Revisited song or Susie Quatro but when I read about the woman who was used in the US-Iraq situation where she said Iraq wasn’t responsible/weren’t doing the things the US claimed, ‘my’ voices didn’t like me learning that and the name was from ‘Suddenly Susan’ – tv show .) Shark bait, ventriloquist’s dummy. Joseph of Arimathea, Mary, Juggernaut (idol of Krishna – perhaps a double meaning though), Holy Ghost. Constant references to wine, bread, cheese and fish – even “you’re not White wine” (not Red), a reference to Dionysus – god of wine and madness, also one day “we broke bread for you” as well as chicken & egg words; ugly duckling, scrambled, omlete etc.
There’s no forgiving and forgetting.