Pursuing natural health & thinking beyond the superficial. Deconstructing Culture.

Archive for the ‘General’ Category

They’ve Desecrated the Devi.

You know what to do.

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Blog Makeover 7

My yearly blog makeovers seem to be getting earlier and earlier each year *blush* but I just couldn’t help it this time 😛 I hope you like it!

Here’s a rundown of the last six:

One:

Two:
FashionThatPaysTheme2

Three:

Four:

Five:

Six:

And this is how I feel- ‘Pure’ by Superchick:

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Symptoms So Far

I’m suffering from hearing voices all day everyday and have been hearing them since March. I even hear and see them in my dreams, they’ll talk to me in sleep and continue when I wake up, though they rarely let me sleep. They talk over each other and in layers (even silent layers that I can’t hear) and from all angles/game playing to torture me more. I was even unable to talk for a while because I was so used to their internalized talking and having to be quiet listening to them (similar to the bursts of hysterical laughter I’ve had a few times – I can’t cry either, sometimes both reactions try to happen at once but don’t work).

These things can read my thoughts and feelings so I can’t even think anymore, can’t even hear my own thoughts (it can put my own internal thinking voice on silent as well as changing the volume of theirs), it talks over my thoughts and doesn’t let me finish a thought nor think cohesively. It can also make me hold onto thoughts too long or repeat them.

I’m having many other affects and they gloat about each and every one, sometimes taking me through them in a sequence just to rub it in such as:

1) visions/hallucination, pinprick sensation in the eyes, dry eyes, can manually blur and then clear my vision, move my left eye trying to make it ‘lazy’ and working on my right,

2) reduced hearing, auditory hallucination and most recently ear drums hurt/block, feel like they’re going to burst; can also make false sounds e.g. phone, buzzer, music etc. Keep hearing the wrong words and it’s always dirty associations that they’ve layered in my hearing/whispering whilst another is talking louder. On 4th Oct they actually masked the background sound so well and then cleared up it up again whilst gloating and I realized that my Mum had been talking right next to me for some time and I couldn’t even hear her. 4th Dec 2016 they finally realized they’ve been shouting in my head all year deafening me

3) processing of words/numbers not working properly, if I hear or think a number for example and want to write it down I write incorrectly, repeatedly even though I know what I want to write (vocabulary, spelling, diction, reading and arithmetic vastly decreased, takes ages and repetition to think things through, feel a very heavy mental block/pain). No matter how hard I try I haven’t been able to learn anything new this year, everything I’ve recognized has been due to past experience and the race against them to remember and not confuse my knowledge of everything from day-to-day life to hobbies

4) ‘electroshock’ feeling anywhere in the body through the nervous system, fingers and arms have moved involuntarily a few times, also facial expressions once; I twitch sometimes now as an after effect

5) can talk through me sometimes, trying its best to make think think and feel what its wants (both subliminally and obviously). When they talk to each other one of them pretends to be me so my 1st and 3rd person speech recognition (thinking and sometimes speaking) sometimes gets mixed up as ‘voices’ try to be me and talk over me

6) made me forget 3 years of my life (from my late 20’s) and stop me thinking and remembering throughout the day (short and long term forgetfulness and memory loss). It can apply extra pressure to any my thoughts, feelings or movements or even its own voice to hurt my brain and other parts of my body which also makes me forget instantly plus keeps me awake

7) insomnia and when I do manage to sleep, bad dreams, night terrors – sometimes overcome by the need to sleep only to feel awake again as soon as I lay down/try to sleep – been awake for 6 days at a time sometimes. They can also do the opposite – can make me sleepy only to make me feel awake again to taunt me about not sleeping

8) faintness, dizzy, fatigue; has made me collapse a few times, it can also make my legs collapse, hard to stand now and they can swell my legs; have found it hard to walk on right ankle at times and finding stairs difficult

9) numbness, pain, pressure in muscles, movement and spasms

10) brain and ears ‘creaking’ – very strange, it’s like hearing the brain move/’click’

11) fear of men, rape, sexual attack, ‘supernatural’ pregnancy (and give me visions of men, women, children and animals at the same time whilst boasting that they rape me)

12) all over body itching, particularly pressure on the breasts and genitalia, vaginal muscle movement, rectal and vaginal itching, can even make it feel like internal organs, ovaries etc are burning

13) scared to go to the bathroom, wash, change clothing; to do anything actually from laying in bed, standing up, walking, food preparation, travel because of the endless shame, humiliation, judgment, embarrassment, criticism, questioning, barrage of insults and then physical effects too, the voices are also obsessive compulsive about false efficiency, false energy and cleanliness e.g. the need to do things faster than humanly possible and cause a feeling of desperation/shaking/unable to manage

14) all over skin burning and internal burning especially stomach (non stop indigestion now, stomach lining probably burning yet they can still make me feel hunger pangs even when I’m full/indigested) and as of 19th Dec 2017 reproductive organs – extremely painful could feel the ovaries/fallopian tubes/womb on fire

15) can hold my vaginal secretions and release them when it wants “here I’ll let you be natural [releases them]” because it wants to sexually simulate and pain, it even surprises and delights in itself at how much it can control my muscles there

16) sensitive skin, can even imitate the irritation of a hair on the face/in the eyes. Pins and needles

17) pressure to the heart

18) headaches in specific parts such as on the temples, as well as all over headache pressure and migraines

19) can control my breathing, even move my stomach, and with a roving ‘pain/sensation’ and overlap my breath to make it feel like two people breathing at once

20) choking sensation, throat pain/swelling

21) vomit and diarrhea

22) farting and burping

23) moving pain in the forehead/skin

24) pain through the nose to the back of the head like a “flue” or when you smell something very strong. Sense of smell confused, confusing one scent for another, smelling something that isn’t there, especially likes the smell of blood

25) blocked nose/inflammation

26) weakness of bladder and egestion like an old person

27) more period pain

28) sore jaw, even gums and teeth

29) can change emotions/moods most probably through bodily hormone/secretion

30) feel focus/consciousness on certain parts of the body even when wanting to concentrate on something else

31) able to shift my mental focus/attention anywhere whether to a thought such as digging through my mind for an exception to an argument or physically to something/one nearby e.g. if there’s a picture (or anything whatsoever, animate or inanimate, or it doesn’t even have to be near me it can be an idea) they can ‘bring’ it to my vagina/breasts mentally and then if they want to (which they often do) actually move the muscles in those areas to make me ‘want’/fear what they show and whisper atrocity to me at the same time like “you’re a whore”, “f*cking munter” ongoing.. The same goes with any emotion – they can shift it to anywhere in the body and since these things are the way they are they prefer to turn into a something sexual/fearful or ‘self’-destructive and past trauma such as the deaths of loved ones (some which were horrific and have already been used repeatedly already) showing me new versions of those deaths to constantly re-live the shock and trauma. They can also make me aware of where their consciousness/thoughts are at the time

32) it’s stolen my ‘body consciousness’ from me (since August) so it can do the above whilst I can’t focus anywhere on my body. My aura has even changed colours three times and I can’t even see it anymore

33) tries to make me over identify/associate with stories, names, music, people, characters, everything

34) sensory deprivation and overload e.g. have very ‘physical’ feeling visions (with force applied to my body) even to the point of making me feel water boarded

35) fighting with imagination, taking energy from my imagination, giving me visions even ongoing ones like films when eyes open or closed, even in just one eye at a time (and its thinking about making different visions in both eyes). Can’t really imagine anything anymore, they either make it spin, start or finish the image, I can’t really remember things properly, can make me forget what I’m doing halfway, overlapping my memories so they are confused and dirty e.g needing to go to the bathroom and then forcing me to think of sometime at the same time to mix up my mental associations and make me associate the person with something stress and/or dirty/sexual

36) haven’t been able to exercise all year when used to do 4-10 hours a day

37) has figured out how to cause sleep paralysis (and rape me during it – they already do whilst awake, and asleep) and trying to pull me out of body

38) 1st and 3rd person speech recognition (thinking and sometimes speaking) sometimes getting mixed up as ‘voices’ try to be me and talk over me though ‘they’ have next to no knowledge of life/humanity/animals/countries/environment/science/culture/the world/space

39) no matter how hard I try I haven’t been able to learn anything new this year, everything I’ve recognized has been due to past experience and the race against the ‘voices’ to remember and not confuse my knowledge of everything from day-to-day life to hobbies

40) sometimes I feel like I’ve regressed into childhood as well as trapped inside my own body

41) they’ve copied my voice and “Dolly Dialogue” the way I speak (although one version of ‘W’ had to rehearse and recite slowly whilst the others had it down) but swears like it has Tourettes and they can change their voices from anything human sounding to mechanical

42) wants to kill me, and rape me as much as possible before then although if I die it’ll die; it’s so crazy that it’s got memory loss and lack of control as well, they’ve always acted like they’re in love with me whilst hating me at the same time, whilst in awe and imitating everyone/thing they think is attractive (which includes bestiality, incest, pedophilia).

Artificial Intelligence, Spiritual Implant, Alien Implant, Psy-Ops, Possession, Psychic Warfare, Shapeshifters

The Hobbits from Lord of the Rings look just like the stupid ‘spiritual’ [morelike artificial intelligence] implants who call themselves Jack and Adam/the voices left in (internally) me (sharing the same parameters as they’re possessing me aka not in another dimension, they view the world in the same way as I do and can’t see any ‘others’ like them or different and they mainly use my senses except when they go into other people’s dreams/talk to family in the vicinity). There was a whole group of them, then three members, another died on 22nd December 2016 and Jack&Adam don’t even care; and no I don’t know they look the same (the one who died recently looked like them too), they deny the others looked like them. They’ve lost a hell of a lot of ‘their’ knowledge/ability/identity, they only speak English and they don’t know anything about humanity/animals/culture/science/environment/the world nor do they use technology. Whereas ‘William’ [Defoe i.e. I Am Will (I Will myself to be) the Enemy] (also known as ‘William Langley’ and ‘William Nathanial’) of the outside ‘unilever’/remote connection (external voices in another dimension) do use technology.

43) I’ve lost 30% of my energy in this year at least on insomnia, 30% on messed up digestion, a heck of a lot on laboured/forced mis-breathing and I’m running on empty not to mention how much of my life I’ve lost in general (I’ve aged 10 years in 10 months – so how many years will this take off my life?) Why does everybody think I’m a “light”/”full of light”/”like a diamond”/”heart full of light” for and that somehow I can build myself and be even stronger than before? All the spiritualists, exorcists, priests, djinn etc I’ve spoken with and those contacted on my behalf admit that most people in this situation go mad and/or die by now yet they still think I can do this ‘[you’re] one in a million’ (and don’t want to do something that they want to do something that they won’t specify to separate them from me because it’ll give me permanent brain damage – ‘regular’ brain damage I already have now [sarcasm] (voices – amygdala and? The electroshocking the nervous system i.e. destroying my body = pneumogastric nerve and?)), and the doctors who think I’m really strong as well. Everyone I’ve met has been respectful and/or kind, loving, supportive and they think I’m Ms Wonderful – and I’m always surprised at their impressions of me, I’ve been through nervous breakdowns, a mini-stroke, fractured personality (not split), convulsions, collapsing, not being able to eat/drink and the opposite not to mention having been told that my spinal and vaginal fluids have been taken etc and I just don’t see it anymore, I can’t even use my third eye/meditate/do yoga or any kind of exercise and haven’t in a year – what they hell do they think I am? Wonder Woman? I’m knackered, running on empty and the b*stards who’ve got me wonder everyday how I’m still alive.

44) I’m 34 years old and I’ve never been independent, I didn’t live on campus, I’ve always lived at home and looked after relatives, I’m feeling claustrophobic – I need my own life. Is it too much to ask just to have be a librarian, a volunteer, get out and about, go to the theatre or a museum without being besieged?

45) When I try to read, do puzzles etc I automatically breathe really slowly, have to keep my eyes steady and try to focus but it’s like there is a mental block – it’s almost like having to go into a deep meditation to try.

46) I sometimes forget what is happening around me, like the person talking next to me and getting lost so have to ask someone or be reminded.

47) my face have frozen a few times in August, first it was the left side (felt like it couldn’t move, it looked normal but felt a bit heavy and I felt very masculine), I’ve found it hard to smile/laugh since and in December it’s been the right side.

48) Shaking hands

49) panic attacks

50) it feels like they can touch me

51) skin has gotten darker

52) excess bile, dribbling

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And a Voice Spoke to Me

February 2009, I was just visiting Paris but happened to see the ongoing Tamil protests against the Sri Lankan civil war; I figured I’d mention that first because it is important to all humanitarians.

I was only there for a short time but something interesting happened and even though three years of my late 20’s are currently missing from my memory (due to the events of this year) I still remembered ‘Boulan’ and I was thinking boulangerie (because a certain patisserie was closed at the time leaving me disappointed) however it turns out my aide-mémoire (in my memory) meant Boulainvilliers.

All I remembered was:
1) Boulan,
2) a Lebanese Restaurant,
3) and a library.

I’ve discovered that it meant:

1) Paris RER Line C Station: Boulainvilliers
2) Restaurant: Le Traiteur du Bois le Vent (The Caterer of the Wood Wind [flute/pipe]) http://www.boislevent.com/contact/
3) The American Library in Paris (the core documents of which were military donated) https://www.americanlibraryinparis.org/

I was outside The Caterer of the Wood Wind when the person I was with (someone who’d oft disappear without warning and without a phone and I assumed had been going to a bathroom) decided he didn’t want to eat there so we left and as we were some distance down the street someone said ‘in’/near my head/mind “I knew you’d come”. I turned around and no one was there except a man looking at me outside the restaurant; he looked 80/90’s rock/grunge in faded Blue jeans, a sleeveless Black top and shoulder length Reddish Blonde hair. Like Bon Jovi in the picture below:

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It reminds me of Spies, Sneaks and Spooks

I’ve been going through events in my life and have found that I’ve always heard/been affected by such things but this was one of the few times I remember hearing someone/thing clearly and being able to put a face to it; years later there is ‘William’ et al (April 2015 at Hurst View [where the fleurs-de-lis in the ‘Spies, Sneaks and Spooks’ post were found in Feb 2015] someone criticized me for editing a competition review I was writing too much and then continuously a year later since March 2016).

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Waxing Lyrical and Being Hacked

I haven’t been out by myself in almost 6 years.

This year I’ve been out three times (but “beleagued” by voices); the most recent one was a few days ago and whilst the property was empty someone came in and deleted files off my computer, memory sticks and something else. I’ve also just discovered that someone hacked into my blog, I don’t know if they changed anything on here nor anywhere else they may have hacked/broken into/trespassed.

Oh well c’est la vie.

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World Homeless Day – How Convenient – We’re Evicted

So as usual on the caravan site where we live the owner’s (other residents and staff including the owner’s family) throw their weight around using our rented plot for their convenience. They know they have to ask permission but today’s excuse is “you don’t have a car so I can park here” (and put the engine on in front of you to leave running to annoy you and leave his property on our porch as well as a ton of arguing and aggression from him/staff & the owner herself hence we’re heavily outnumbered and outshouted) whilst admitting that he purposely ignored the designated parking spaces and his car is lovely in his opinion so it’s fine by him to park it right in front of us so we can look at it and despite agreeing that he wouldn’t expect or like others to park on his property (though he considers the entire park his family’s regardless of tenants). That gets us… Given (knocking via the side door not the front door for some reason, as if the porch isn’t ‘ours’ either) a vague memo on headed paper acting as an eviction notice. I read it, went to ask for his mother, who typed it, he shouts “I’m not allowed to talk to you, I’ve got four witnesses” (there was only one in eyeshot) “fine, I’ll look for her” I reply and as soon as I turn my back he yells after me “ok I can’t help myself” and pontificates about how they can evict whoever they want whenever they want, it’s their park and they’ve just done the same to the lady at No:1 who “didn’t have a leg to stand on” apparently and then blames us for this not being a residential park denying that the onus is on them for being open all year round like a private residential or part private residential/holiday park and letting to us for almost 3 years. They’d previously stated they’re open all year round and do long term lets because “we don’t care”. We do care and so pay council tax for this as our main/only and permanent residence and when we signed up ironically whilst there are other long term tenants and owners the council only had one address as paying.

Funnily enough the memo conveniently cites a different member of staff (not one of her sons), and not the owner who greeted us when we moved in. It’s not a solicitor’s letter properly served but they seem to believe that threatening behaviour “if you’re not out in 4 weeks the sheriff will get you” and successful eviction of another tenant recently allows them to do what they want e.g. the tenant who they forced out and replaced her caravan after she moved, and threatening that if we try to move to another park he’ll warn them about us. I told him that was a threat and he changed his mind “I’ll give you a glowing reference”. It’s also apparently our fault for not being given any terms and conditions when we moved in, and them not wanting to supply us with a retrospective contract (which they don’t have/didn’t provide); it was all verbal and informal which wasn’t a problem at the time but of course that means they feel and seemed to have gotten away with doing whatever they want even though we pay our rent and utilities.

What I find interesting is that today they’re removing the caravan next to us which was occupied and have just done the same to No:24, evicting or moving people to renovate/upgrade? Goodness knows our caravan needs it, extremely dilapidated from the start with furniture and fixings unsuitable for purpose and a lack of structural integrity (windows/doors). It’s not an accusation, just wondering.

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You Wanna Say That To My Face? The SHAME is yours not mine.

These are just two of the decks I had:
magicianthe-magician

You thought you knew which numbers I was, you don’t even know the sequence a famous astrologer used for me (he & his son who I was recently ‘fluenced to lookup, told to trust my ‘celestial guardians/guides’. I don’t trust anybody. I don’t accept anyone, anything, no one, nothing.) Crush the game. There are no winners, only losers to different degrees.