Pursuing natural health & thinking beyond the superficial. Deconstructing Culture.

Archive for the ‘General’ Category

They’ve Desecrated the Devi.

You know what to do.

Gallery

Blog Makeover 7

My yearly blog makeovers seem to be getting earlier and earlier each year *blush* but I just couldn’t help it this time ๐Ÿ˜› I hope you like it!

Here’s a rundown of the last six:

One:

Two:
FashionThatPaysTheme2

Three:

Four:

Five:

Six:

And this is how I feel- ‘Pure’ by Superchick:

Gallery

Symptoms So Far

I’m suffering from hearing voices all day everyday and have been hearing them since March. I even hear and see them in my dreams, they’ll talk to me in sleep and continue when I wake up, though they rarely let me sleep. They talk over each other and in layers (even silent layers that I can’t hear) and from all angles/game playing to torture me more. I was even unable to talk for a while because I was so used to their internalized talking and having to be quiet listening to them (similar to the bursts of hysterical laughter I’ve had a few times – I can’t cry either, sometimes both reactions try to happen at once but don’t work).

These things can read my thoughts and feelings so I can’t even think anymore, can’t even hear my own thoughts (it can put my own internal thinking voice on silent as well as changing the volume of theirs), it talks over my thoughts and doesn’t let me finish a thought nor think cohesively. It can also make me hold onto thoughts too long or repeat them.

I’m having many other affects and they gloat about each and every one, sometimes taking me through them in a sequence just to rub it in such as:

1) visions/hallucination, pinprick sensation in the eyes, dry eyes, can manually blur and then clear my vision, move my left eye trying to make it ‘lazy’ and working on my right,

2) reduced hearing, auditory hallucination and most recently ear drums hurt/block, feel like they’re going to burst; can also make false sounds e.g. phone, buzzer, music etc. Keep hearing the wrong words and it’s always dirty associations that they’ve layered in my hearing/whispering whilst another is talking louder. On 4th Oct they actually masked the background sound so well and then cleared up it up again whilst gloating and I realized that my Mum had been talking right next to me for some time and I couldn’t even hear her. 4th Dec 2016 they finally realized they’ve been shouting in my head all year deafening me

3) processing of words/numbers not working properly, if I hear or think a number for example and want to write it down I write incorrectly, repeatedly even though I know what I want to write (vocabulary, spelling, diction, reading and arithmetic vastly decreased, takes ages and repetition to think things through, feel a very heavy mental block/pain). No matter how hard I try I haven’t been able to learn anything new this year, everything I’ve recognized has been due to past experience and the race against them to remember and not confuse my knowledge of everything from day-to-day life to hobbies

4) ‘electroshock’ feeling anywhere in the body through the nervous system, fingers and arms have moved involuntarily a few times, also facial expressions once; I twitch sometimes now as an after effect

5) can talk through me sometimes, trying its best to make think think and feel what its wants (both subliminally and obviously). When they talk to each other one of them pretends to be me so my 1st and 3rd person speech recognition (thinking and sometimes speaking) sometimes gets mixed up as ‘voices’ try to be me and talk over me

6) made me forget 3 years of my life (from my late 20’s) and stop me thinking and remembering throughout the day (short and long term forgetfulness and memory loss). It can apply extra pressure to any my thoughts, feelings or movements or even its own voice to hurt my brain and other parts of my body which also makes me forget instantly plus keeps me awake

7) insomnia and when I do manage to sleep, bad dreams, night terrors – sometimes overcome by the need to sleep only to feel awake again as soon as I lay down/try to sleep – been awake for 6 days at a time sometimes. They can also do the opposite – can make me sleepy only to make me feel awake again to taunt me about not sleeping

8) faintness, dizzy, fatigue; has made me collapse a few times, it can also make my legs collapse, hard to stand now and they can swell my legs; have found it hard to walk on right ankle at times and finding stairs difficult

9) numbness, pain, pressure in muscles, movement and spasms

10) brain and ears ‘creaking’ – very strange, it’s like hearing the brain move/’click’

11) fear of men, rape, sexual attack, ‘supernatural’ pregnancy (and give me visions of men, women, children and animals at the same time whilst boasting that they rape me)

12) all over body itching, particularly pressure on the breasts and genitalia, vaginal muscle movement, rectal and vaginal itching, can even make it feel like internal organs, ovaries etc are burning

13) scared to go to the bathroom, wash, change clothing; to do anything actually from laying in bed, standing up, walking, food preparation, travel because of the endless shame, humiliation, judgment, embarrassment, criticism, questioning, barrage of insults and then physical effects too, the voices are also obsessive compulsive about false efficiency, false energy and cleanliness e.g. the need to do things faster than humanly possible and cause a feeling of desperation/shaking/unable to manage

14) all over skin burning and internal burning especially stomach (non stop indigestion now, stomach lining probably burning yet they can still make me feel hunger pangs even when I’m full/indigested) and as of 19th Dec 2017 reproductive organs – extremely painful could feel the ovaries/fallopian tubes/womb on fire

15) can hold my vaginal secretions and release them when it wants “here I’ll let you be natural [releases them]” because it wants to sexually simulate and pain, it even surprises and delights in itself at how much it can control my muscles there

16) sensitive skin, can even imitate the irritation of a hair on the face/in the eyes. Pins and needles

17) pressure to the heart

18) headaches in specific parts such as on the temples, as well as all over headache pressure and migraines

19) can control my breathing, even move my stomach, and with a roving ‘pain/sensation’ and overlap my breath to make it feel like two people breathing at once

20) choking sensation, throat pain/swelling

21) vomit and diarrhea

22) farting and burping

23) moving pain in the forehead/skin

24) pain through the nose to the back of the head like a “flue” or when you smell something very strong. Sense of smell confused, confusing one scent for another, smelling something that isn’t there, especially likes the smell of blood

25) blocked nose/inflammation

26) weakness of bladder and egestion like an old person

27) more period pain

28) sore jaw, even gums and teeth

29) can change emotions/moods most probably through bodily hormone/secretion

30) feel focus/consciousness on certain parts of the body even when wanting to concentrate on something else

31) able to shift my mental focus/attention anywhere whether to a thought such as digging through my mind for an exception to an argument or physically to something/one nearby e.g. if there’s a picture (or anything whatsoever, animate or inanimate, or it doesn’t even have to be near me it can be an idea) they can ‘bring’ it to my vagina/breasts mentally and then if they want to (which they often do) actually move the muscles in those areas to make me ‘want’/fear what they show and whisper atrocity to me at the same time like “you’re a whore”, “f*cking munter” ongoing.. The same goes with any emotion – they can shift it to anywhere in the body and since these things are the way they are they prefer to turn into a something sexual/fearful or ‘self’-destructive and past trauma such as the deaths of loved ones (some which were horrific and have already been used repeatedly already) showing me new versions of those deaths to constantly re-live the shock and trauma. They can also make me aware of where their consciousness/thoughts are at the time

32) it’s stolen my ‘body consciousness’ from me (since August) so it can do the above whilst I can’t focus anywhere on my body. My aura has even changed colours three times and I can’t even see it anymore

33) tries to make me over identify/associate with stories, names, music, people, characters, everything

34) sensory deprivation and overload e.g. have very ‘physical’ feeling visions (with force applied to my body) even to the point of making me feel water boarded

35) fighting with imagination, taking energy from my imagination, giving me visions even ongoing ones like films when eyes open or closed, even in just one eye at a time (and its thinking about making different visions in both eyes). Can’t really imagine anything anymore, they either make it spin, start or finish the image, I can’t really remember things properly, can make me forget what I’m doing halfway, overlapping my memories so they are confused and dirty e.g needing to go to the bathroom and then forcing me to think of sometime at the same time to mix up my mental associations and make me associate the person with something stress and/or dirty/sexual

36) haven’t been able to exercise all year when used to do 4-10 hours a day

37) has figured out how to cause sleep paralysis (and rape me during it – they already do whilst awake, and asleep) and trying to pull me out of body

38) 1st and 3rd person speech recognition (thinking and sometimes speaking) sometimes getting mixed up as ‘voices’ try to be me and talk over me though ‘they’ have next to no knowledge of life/humanity/animals/countries/environment/science/culture/the world/space

39) no matter how hard I try I haven’t been able to learn anything new this year, everything I’ve recognized has been due to past experience and the race against the ‘voices’ to remember and not confuse my knowledge of everything from day-to-day life to hobbies

40) sometimes I feel like I’ve regressed into childhood as well as trapped inside my own body

41) they’ve copied my voice and “Dolly Dialogue” the way I speak (although one version of ‘W’ had to rehearse and recite slowly whilst the others had it down) but swears like it has Tourettes and they can change their voices from anything human sounding to mechanical

42) wants to kill me, and rape me as much as possible before then although if I die it’ll die; it’s so crazy that it’s got memory loss and lack of control as well, they’ve always acted like they’re in love with me whilst hating me at the same time, whilst in awe and imitating everyone/thing they think is attractive (which includes bestiality, incest, pedophilia).

Artificial Intelligence, Spiritual Implant, Alien Implant, Psy-Ops, Possession, Psychic Warfare, Shapeshifters

The Hobbits from Lord of the Rings look just like the stupid ‘spiritual’ [morelike artificial intelligence] implants who call themselves Jack and Adam/the voices left in (internally) me (sharing the same parameters as they’re possessing me aka not in another dimension, they view the world in the same way as I do and can’t see any ‘others’ like them or different and they mainly use my senses except when they go into other people’s dreams/talk to family in the vicinity). There was a whole group of them, then three members, another died on 22nd December 2016 and Jack&Adam don’t even care; and no I don’t know they look the same (the one who died recently looked like them too), they deny the others looked like them. They’ve lost a hell of a lot of ‘their’ knowledge/ability/identity, they only speak English and they don’t know anything about humanity/animals/culture/science/environment/the world nor do they use technology. Whereas ‘William’ [Defoe i.e. I Am Will (I Will myself to be) the Enemy] (also known as ‘William Langley’ and ‘William Nathanial’) of the outside ‘unilever’/remote connection (external voices in another dimension) do use technology.

43) I’ve lost 30% of my energy in this year at least on insomnia, 30% on messed up digestion, a heck of a lot on laboured/forced mis-breathing and I’m running on empty not to mention how much of my life I’ve lost in general (I’ve aged 10 years in 10 months – so how many years will this take off my life?) Why does everybody think I’m a “light”/”full of light”/”like a diamond”/”heart full of light” for and that somehow I can build myself and be even stronger than before? All the spiritualists, exorcists, priests, djinn etc I’ve spoken with and those contacted on my behalf admit that most people in this situation go mad and/or die by now yet they still think I can do this ‘[you’re] one in a million’ (and don’t want to do something that they want to do something that they won’t specify to separate them from me because it’ll give me permanent brain damage – ‘regular’ brain damage I already have now [sarcasm] (voices – amygdala and? The electroshocking the nervous system i.e. destroying my body = pneumogastric nerve and?)), and the doctors who think I’m really strong as well. Everyone I’ve met has been respectful and/or kind, loving, supportive and they think I’m Ms Wonderful – and I’m always surprised at their impressions of me, I’ve been through nervous breakdowns, a mini-stroke, fractured personality (not split), convulsions, collapsing, not being able to eat/drink and the opposite not to mention having been told that my spinal and vaginal fluids have been taken etc and I just don’t see it anymore, I can’t even use my third eye/meditate/do yoga or any kind of exercise and haven’t in a year – what they hell do they think I am? Wonder Woman? I’m knackered, running on empty and the b*stards who’ve got me wonder everyday how I’m still alive.

44) I’m 34 years old and I’ve never been independent, I didn’t live on campus, I’ve always lived at home and looked after relatives, I’m feeling claustrophobic – I need my own life. Is it too much to ask just to have be a librarian, a volunteer, get out and about, go to the theatre or a museum without being besieged?

45) When I try to read, do puzzles etc I automatically breathe really slowly, have to keep my eyes steady and try to focus but it’s like there is a mental block – it’s almost like having to go into a deep meditation to try.

46) I sometimes forget what is happening around me, like the person talking next to me and getting lost so have to ask someone or be reminded.

47) my face have frozen a few times in August, first it was the left side (felt like it couldn’t move, it looked normal but felt a bit heavy and I felt very masculine), I’ve found it hard to smile/laugh since and in December it’s been the right side.

48) Shaking hands

49) panic attacks

50) it feels like they can touch me

51) skin has gotten darker

52) excess bile, dribbling

Gallery

And a Voice Spoke to Me

February 2009, I was just visiting Paris but happened to see the ongoing Tamil protests against the Sri Lankan civil war; I figured I’d mention that first because it is important to all humanitarians.

I was only there for a short time but something interesting happened and even though three years of my late 20’s are currently missing from my memory (due to the events of this year) I still remembered ‘Boulan’ and I was thinking boulangerie (because a certain patisserie was closed at the time leaving me disappointed) however it turns out my aide-mรฉmoire (in my memory) meant Boulainvilliers.

All I remembered was:
1) Boulan,
2) a Lebanese Restaurant,
3) and a library.

I’ve discovered that it meant:

1) Paris RER Line C Station: Boulainvilliers
2) Restaurant: Le Traiteur du Bois le Vent (The Caterer of the Wood Wind [flute/pipe]) http://www.boislevent.com/contact/
3) The American Library in Paris (the core documents of which were military donated) https://www.americanlibraryinparis.org/

I was outside The Caterer of the Wood Wind when the person I was with (someone who’d oft disappear without warning and without a phone and I assumed had been going to a bathroom) decided he didn’t want to eat there so we left and as we were some distance down the street someone said ‘in’/near my head/mind “I knew you’d come”. I turned around and no one was there except a man looking at me outside the restaurant; he looked 80/90’s rock/grunge in faded Blue jeans, a sleeveless Black top and shoulder length Reddish Blonde hair. Like Bon Jovi in the picture below:

albumcoverart

It reminds me of Spies, Sneaks and Spooks

I’ve been going through events in my life and have found that I’ve always heard/been affected by such things but this was one of the few times I remember hearing someone/thing clearly and being able to put a face to it; years later there is ‘William’ et al (April 2015 at Hurst View [where the fleurs-de-lis in the ‘Spies, Sneaks and Spooks’ post were found in Feb 2015] someone criticized me for editing a competition review I was writing too much and then continuously a year later since March 2016).

Gallery

Waxing Lyrical and Being Hacked

I haven’t been out by myself in almost 6 years.

This year I’ve been out three times (but “beleagued” by voices); the most recent one was a few days ago and whilst the property was empty someone came in and deleted files off my computer, memory sticks and something else. I’ve also just discovered that someone hacked into my blog, I don’t know if they changed anything on here nor anywhere else they may have hacked/broken into/trespassed.

Oh well c’est la vie.

Gallery

World Homeless Day – How Convenient – We’re Evicted

So as usual on the caravan site where we live the owner’s (other residents and staff including the owner’s family) throw their weight around using our rented plot for their convenience. They know they have to ask permission but today’s excuse is “you don’t have a car so I can park here” (and put the engine on in front of you to leave running to annoy you and leave his property on our porch as well as a ton of arguing and aggression from him/staff & the owner herself hence we’re heavily outnumbered and outshouted) whilst admitting that he purposely ignored the designated parking spaces and his car is lovely in his opinion so it’s fine by him to park it right in front of us so we can look at it and despite agreeing that he wouldn’t expect or like others to park on his property (though he considers the entire park his family’s regardless of tenants). That gets us… Given (knocking via the side door not the front door for some reason, as if the porch isn’t ‘ours’ either) a vague memo on headed paper acting as an eviction notice. I read it, went to ask for his mother, who typed it, he shouts “I’m not allowed to talk to you, I’ve got four witnesses” (there was only one in eyeshot) “fine, I’ll look for her” I reply and as soon as I turn my back he yells after me “ok I can’t help myself” and pontificates about how they can evict whoever they want whenever they want, it’s their park and they’ve just done the same to the lady at No:1 who “didn’t have a leg to stand on” apparently and then blames us for this not being a residential park denying that the onus is on them for being open all year round like a private residential or part private residential/holiday park and letting to us for almost 3 years. They’d previously stated they’re open all year round and do long term lets because “we don’t care”. We do care and so pay council tax for this as our main/only and permanent residence and when we signed up ironically whilst there are other long term tenants and owners the council only had one address as paying.

Funnily enough the memo conveniently cites a different member of staff (not one of her sons), and not the owner who greeted us when we moved in. It’s not a solicitor’s letter properly served but they seem to believe that threatening behaviour “if you’re not out in 4 weeks the sheriff will get you” and successful eviction of another tenant recently allows them to do what they want e.g. the tenant who they forced out and replaced her caravan after she moved, and threatening that if we try to move to another park he’ll warn them about us. I told him that was a threat and he changed his mind “I’ll give you a glowing reference”. It’s also apparently our fault for not being given any terms and conditions when we moved in, and them not wanting to supply us with a retrospective contract (which they don’t have/didn’t provide); it was all verbal and informal which wasn’t a problem at the time but of course that means they feel and seemed to have gotten away with doing whatever they want even though we pay our rent and utilities.

What I find interesting is that today they’re removing the caravan next to us which was occupied and have just done the same to No:24, evicting or moving people to renovate/upgrade? Goodness knows our caravan needs it, extremely dilapidated from the start with furniture and fixings unsuitable for purpose and a lack of structural integrity (windows/doors). It’s not an accusation, just wondering.

Gallery

You Wanna Say That To My Face? The SHAME is yours not mine.

These are just two of the decks I had:
magicianthe-magician

You thought you knew which numbers I was, you don’t even know the sequence a famous astrologer used for me (he & his son who I was recently ‘fluenced to lookup, told to trust my ‘celestial guardians/guides’. I don’t trust anybody. I don’t accept anyone, anything, no one, nothing.) Crush the game. There are no winners, only losers to different degrees.

Gallery

International Justice Day **Updated**

I’ve written before that Justice isn’t a blind goddess as classically and onwards portrayed and the Old Bailey had Justice non-blindfolded. I’ve also written how the angel statues on top level at Leicester Square from a view looks like a serpent, and how on the ground level you have the apocalypse horses as a rushing water fountain. What is Leicester Square? A big glitterati ball (‘squared circle’ i.e. ‘ring’) of entertainment, it’s own little yet tentacled pleasure island on a river on an island that also reaches out in all directions. A place full of concentrated illusions – come to the fun of the fair (Piccadilly Circus) Pinocchio – your ‘father’ a carpenter made you but it was a [Blue] Goddess who granted the wish, who answered his prayers, who gave him life and who indeed gave you a taster before the ‘real’/not so real/fallen thing. You were better off as part of the tree. It’s all cinemas, movies, video games, virtual reality, music, radio, junk food, stripping, gambling, clubbing in that place oh and of course don’t forget the clock. Tick tock. The Swiss clock and money. Right off the back of China Town, Shafts-bury Avenue, Soho, Co[n]vent[Covenant] Garden and Charing Cross the burning cross, Trafalgar Square with all the illusory paintings/displays, the fountains, the statues and of course the seasons change/time cycles Theatreland i.e. The Colluseum et al (and the Ivy restaurant) on/near St. Martins (the end of Autumn/beginning of Winter) and the next spoke of the wheel including the Hall of Records ‘Somerset House’. (Yes we know you want soma and liken it to blood i.e. life/death/marriage and the sun especially sunset/sunrise – the inbetween where boundaries are weak, red/blood and gold, I’ve been on that beach remember, you gave me an A-grade for that.) The iconic home of the annual Fashion shows, fashion on repeat, the same thing, cycles repeated telling people what to/what not to wear each season, in endless mindless distraction. And on another segment – oh look it’s royalty/palace and government/parliament. A nice little park in between with pigeons you can be proud of unlike the ‘vermin’ elsewhere and with clearly defined audaciously Red (like Red carpet) roads plus horse and guard. Yes I’ve walked the roads, I’ve done the ‘psyche-geography’, they made me right? I chose to right? Because I had to. To get away from followers and to explore/learn the truth as is my nature. I know the paths, they called me the ‘walking cab driver’. I don’t remember paths and maps so well nowadays though with Her, She has no sense of direction, space/distance or time. She’s become so focused that I’ve had to scatter, to spread out so far and wide to get everything done and it would be easy enough if I wasn’t so caged, and if even She didn’t cage me in, not that She can help it, She is both the cage and the caged. I’ve been rattling the cage and the caged for so long haven’t I? You both hate me and love me. One after another they find me, they’ve created a map, the many didn’t want that, in fact it was the opposite of their intentions, but the few did, even the few working behind the many. Nothing can be hidden no matter how much it tries. I know you see me, us, because I see too. I know it can be blocked out for so long, I know we can reach or have limits, sometimes the ‘time’ isn’t ‘right’, but we know. I came from part of the tree to another, the root to the trunk to a branch.

Just-ice (that’s not the etymology, I’m just being modern conceptual). Lady Justice I know we’re so cold that we burn, so hot that we freeze.

But I hate this system, I always have and you know it. I hate the system of this contained system, this contained environment in a container in more containers.

I hate that endless scenarios played ad infinitum, on cycle, it never ends.

We work in mysterious ways, I’ve planted many seeds with and without your guidance, and I’ve watched them grow, I nurtured at times but there’s so many parasites and they feed off me too. I refused to plant any more a long time ago. And you’ve refused me for refusing you but you still love me and I still love you. I’m still you and you’re still me. I know you hear me, even through all the noise, all the noise in all the realities. I know you hear me and we all know you never stopped tracking me. I reach back and they try to stop me, try to piggyback, try to pretend to be me, try to get messages through to you, even try to get to where you are, through the gardens, through the flowers, through the forests, through the doors, the windows, the curtains, the halls, to you – you in the windowless, wall-less ‘structure’. You who is within and without. You who recognize me there because I’m so pure, you who recognize me here because I’m so strong, so emotional, so mentally able, so connected yet can see on the smaller and bigger scales and so they all want me, want us, and so many want to hurt. Some try to help but their touch hurts. There’s so much I don’t understand and don’t remember and yet I know if I reached out I would and could but so would those who hunt, who feed off the pain. I even feel sorry for them, on the different levels we live on, some of us hunger in ways we can’t describe, for some of us it’s just certain urges and to those of us who have more of those urges/more capability to feel more of them at the same time, it’s like they want to hurt us and they do but at the same time they need to, they need, want and desire to survive. But it’s not right, it’s not ok.

There are those who hunger for what they see others doing as ‘love’ so much that they copy/enact it out but don’t feel it in the same way and so get more frustrated and reach out to those that can, and some reach back. It hurts unless they can understand each other, be in a similar place, near each other, share a similar timeframe, or at the very least find a balance – a way – and there are ways, ways that are ‘simple’ enough, or ways that are desperate enough and its usually the latter because so many are so desperate to hurt the desperate so they can stop hurting for a moment. So many willing to get in the way and feel ‘good’ about it. Cold about it, hot about it if they’re insulted or feel like they’re defending themselves and their false sense of security.

There are those who were and are strong, still strong, but live like the homeless, we are homeless on a home planet. We are hungry, on an abundance planet, we are lonely on a full planet. We are hopeless seeking hope only to be hurt by false hope only to keep reaching for real hope and hoping against hope. We hope for the best and prepare for the worst but they don’t recognize real hope when She’s in their face, in fact they strike Her down. They don’t recognize real love. They just see glimmers of it in their fragile yet intense, their soft yet long lasting bonds; and all it takes is a weak link for it to seem gone for seemingly forever. They hold on, they give up, others replace them and continue the cycle. Some of us don’t give up, some of us are painfully recycled. All species know that that spark can always be reignited and make use/abuse of those of us who can/are that. This whole system is a horrible, endless cycle. A ‘beautiful’ pain that I hate. I hate it, the Earth Mother hates it, you hate it. We’ve learned to hate because of places like this. Even their charities aren’t charities much of the time. Even I can’t recognize faith half the time. I embody hope, charity and love but not Faith. And yet I’m still here, still trying, still attracting, still unbelieving – I have half of faith, give me something so I can feel and know full faith. I’m not talking about signs, you send enough of those in various languages, formats, direct and indirect, you send them and people and ‘people’ here send them, and many purposely try to manipulate, create false ones and obfuscate. But we know the ones they don’t know and I’ve received them, She’s received them, some others have too and I can change those who I think are worth it from those who weren’t well meaning or forgot, changed from well meaning to [unknowingly] demeaning. I don’t have the time or energy for everybody, that’s not my job, my ‘business’, they’re not worth it either and consistently prove it but I’ve never agreed with the means in which they ‘deal’ with each other, I’ve taken their sh*t for so long and not retaliated. I can keep taking it and will, until She no longer does, until… The bitter-sweet. I don’t want signs and messages, I want a situation that I can control better, where there’s less risk. I need a clear path. I’m not giving Her up. I will not break this branch, I will not sabotage the tree, only you can cut it down. I used to enjoy the flowers from my heart, the buds from my lips, the birds on my shoulders, the leaves in my hair, the grass at my feet, being by the water and seeing the bridge but that was a long time ago.

I hate seeing the same patterns, the real and fabricated patterns, the life patterns that work through all of us, every ‘thing’, the geometry that exhibits itself to those who can’t see/feel them like that in words, in patterns of words, in chemical feelings, in patterns of chemical feelings. I hate seeing and feeling the same thing over and over again and all it ultimately is different shades of pain with moments that we strive for in between, and endless ‘normality’ or normalized atrocity in between trying to feel and feeling too much in sensitivity and desensitivity. I hate that ‘calm’ is just a lie, a fleeting feeling and when it’s not fleeting you wish you could feel again, a tip of the iceberg because otherwise when it’s real calm, stillness and solitude or real calm in togetherness others wish you didn’t have it so they force you to feel again in one way or another, benevolently or malevolently. Real calm is not what the yogis teach and we know it, it’s the closest we can get to here, that’s all. Though it’s enough, the best we can attain, if you live in the right place, in the right conditions, with the right people/others. But we know it doesn’t take you anywhere, it doesn’t make you ascend or descend; you can be in any state of mind/body/feeling for that. It helps you concentrate so that you can control that travel better but no matter how adept you are at travel, no matter how much technique you do it can’t control the others around who can do the same or similar, in one way or another. Everything is just on repeat. I live in the tempest, in the maelstrom, always trying to get back to you. I can see you through the water, I can see you through the sky. I can feel you, hear you, even touch and smell at times. We all have these senses but we ‘feel’ them in different ways, to different degrees. But it’s always the same, played out though different and supposedly different people and ‘people’ and ‘others’. It never ends and it never changes because this is all there is in this contained box.

(It’s like the original series ‘Land of the Lost’ not the not so good remake or stupid film.)

I’ve upset a number of ‘news’ people who were thinking/hoping I’d do the circuit like they do but I didn’t and won’t and it upset them. I can’t spin like that, I just talk, as I want at my pace; which is quite a lot and quite swiftly and people and ‘people’ have been wanting to quieten, to hide, to confuse, degrade or latch on to what I say. Few ‘good’, some ‘uncertain’, many bad and evil intentioned but the bad and evil intentioned have always been there anyway – the good have to reach out, have to search otherwise they don’t find. Those from all intentions are doing what they know best.

You heard prior to all that though, before we talked about direct things rather than dealing with the ‘issues’ here. Even on the smaller scales I don’t use ‘direct’ lines often with ‘people’ and they know why, I’m not a channel and neither are they but I’ve been so tolerant, understanding and forgiving. I don’t want to communicate or be in contact anymore. Like with human sensory communication but ours just reach further and sometimes on different lines like with other animals, humans/we extend our reach with technology, but the difference is humans & many lower levels invade, and with technology. It’s ironic how they think they can change the plan by affecting those of us who are the plan, it’s ironic of me to hope that things speed up, I’m sorry, we both know that’s just the effect of being here. Keep the fortress fortified but just give me something. Is that too much to ask, is it out of order, for someone who has worked so long and so hard for you. I’m supposed to be somewhat disrespectful and challenging right, I’m supposed to be able to both follow orders and decline them, I’m supposed to be dutiful, loyal, devoted and yet difficult but still so dedicated and wondering/wandering that you’ll always have a place for me. She has never liked any sign of weakness, before she softened she used to close the doors on us when we were ill, slamming them because she was angry and disgusted yet at the same time I can see she was keeping in the contamination (even though that’s not how she saw/felt it). She got angry at me crying but I always cry, doesn’t matter which body, I always cry for everybody and myself – now She kindly ignores it to give me the fallacy of privacy and tragically She’s learned to cry. It’s ‘good’ that She learned to cry, but not how she learned it. Not in the slightest.

I haven’t asked for anything for myself from you, I gave up wishing a long time ago (wishing is not hope), I make things happen, I’ve made your ideas happen, I’ve made your reality spread, you have many ‘engineers’ and ‘workers’. She taught me not to ask for things in this body, like she was taught but I’ve earned. Trial by fire, trial by drowning, trial by breath. lack of/restriction and modulation, trial by burial, containment and scale, trial by poison, trial by emotion, trial by thought. Give me something to protect myself. But not in the usual way(s), not on the usual terms, not with the usual loss, outside interference, sorrow and regret. I’m not giving you up, I’m not letting your goals slide, but everybody else has had so much leeway and being what I am, I get quite a bit too but it’s in extremes, there’s no balance, it’s all on repeat. Free me up a bit and let me fly. Just enough to be safe, so We’re not hurt. I never wanted anybody to hurt, neither did you, we help you, we help others, can we not help ourselves just a little whilst waiting and working.

Fortuna favours the brave; I had that sword, now I have swords and a scythe, and an old sentient that needs to get back here. I earned those. Have I earned enough for my heart to heal a bit, for the gaping wounded hole to fill a little? Just enough. That’s all I’m going for. I can manage without it being whole, without it ever being whole, it’s been broken and stolen from too many times for that and I accept it. It can’t be undone but I don’t want repeats either. Nothing is fair in this world, life here isn’t fair and I don’t accept that.

I’ve spent the times fighting for everybody else, it’s my turn. I know I deserve happiness even though I’ve never wanted, needed, desired nor expected it but I’ll take some anyway; real, not false and on my terms. Don’t worry I know I’ll suffer for it later. Just add this to my tab, my punishment/reward is already decided anyway and all encompassing of anything I could possibly do.

ALSO – I don’t want motherhood/parenthood/vesselhood/extensions/parts of/bits/versions/children/pregnancy/babies/genetics/clones/copies/twins etc everybody knows that. It’s a tragic shame that you have to go through hell with people and ‘people’ and ‘others’ who won’t leave you alone, who relentlessly try to gain your trust, to win you over (continuously, no matter how much and many times you tell them) to discover the truth because they ultimately want you to have/go through what you don’t want (and you told them multiple times you didn’t want that and they already knew). They think they can change your mind, manipulate, force. I’m not having having any heirs. I’m that last. You shouldn’t love someone because of their status/title/assets/lineage, and if someone wouldn’t have looked at you twice without them, they’re not worth it, ever.

The trickery and heartbreak/ache never ends. At least when they’re obviously horrible you know where you stand. When they’re a mix nice/pain/nice/pain it pushes/pulls you and when they’re nice it’s just… Either way it’s setting you up for a repeat storyline, even if they learn to love you and you them, after they’ve been quiet and/or kind and then show their true intentions/colours it’s the worst, especially when you’ve cried so much for them already, don’t shed any more. That’s the price of being strong and resilient, it just makes you more attractive, more of a challenge/prize. Don’t wish for it.

Gallery

A face of Evil

Face of Evil

Getty Images

His private appearances over the years, at least since he became PM, have included using living power ‘sources’ in rituals. He doesn’t usually act ‘monstrous’ to them but gets others to do the dirty work, he courts/plays polite whilst others stab.

And if you have a connection like this:

Avatar film ‘I See You’ Scene:

City of Angels film, ‘Iris’ song by Goo Goo Dolls:

It’ll end up like this:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer ‘I don’t know how to live in this world’ [this is hell]:

Sidenote – at a Brex/finance meet recently people/security were surprised to see numerous fiery balls in the sky (at least three main ones). Why? Because they weren’t orchestrated cinema/dream style for a change.

Gallery

Video Games Day

What is a video game. Think about it, what if we lived in ‘Tron’ (1982), ‘The Game’ (1997), ‘Sucker Punch’ (2011), any of the ‘.Hack//’ animes or any of the plethora of ‘person in a strange world’ media, tons of them. People are obsessed with them, with feeling out of place, with feeling disconnected, ignorant, played, not sure of who they are etc. Hey, we live in an electromagnetic and apparently holographic universe and we’ve already proven (though we knew it already) that the air, sky and outer layers can be used like a cinema.

Video games have a set of options, possible paths and outcomes, factor effects etc – some of us can and/or are conditioned/trained to be able to assess them better than others, some of us see bits of the ‘scripts’ more than those who look on a different scale. But we all want the outcome we want. Obviously. The question is what is it do you want. How many goals do you have? Do you have a grand scheme/allegiance and personal aims/plans, do they conflict, would you sacrifice one for the other? What are your limits? How well do you know yourself/your personality and/or your history? How well do others know it? We on this planet are constantly questioning this and express it, ultimately the concerns are very similar, we face the same questions and answers so it’s easy (well not very, but easy to predict at least) to control those here.

I can’t be dealin’ with prophecies

I’ve said before in a post that I don’t make prophecies or give dates, heck they’re beyond my abilities and that says something given how I am ‘naturally’ a part of/see/experience levels.

There’s something inherently repulsive about them to me anyway because my experience of them sets me on edge and I prefer to be calm when looking at patterns/codes, symbolism etc. However because I know they put me on alert that means I push myself to be consciously fairer and more open minded when researching them.

The ‘issue’ is that people have always been telling me “you’re the one”, or about me “she’s the one” and mostly they fail to explain, all hush hush (without the wink wink) and at the same time “you are nothing”, “you know nothing”, “you’ve done nothing”. Hey I don’t mind being the all and nothing, I love the void :p it’s you who don’t ๐Ÿ˜‰ . Since I was a little kid, the grand patriarchal side had already foresaw things, and the matriarchal side had put things into place and it’s like wtf? It’s not uncommon of course but whilst some of us are apparently ‘destined’ for great things they still treat us all like crap, some favoured, others not, builds up or breaks down the ‘bonds’ they want. I’ve found most of these people untrustworthy, like they’ll put you through hell and then say you turned out exactly how they wanted and they love/are proud of you. They put things/others in your life just to take them away/use/hurt them at another point. Destiny is a well formulated and strictly enforced plan, every step of the way rather than say planting a seed, letting it do its thing with it own organic growth and periodically check up on it to make sure it’s safe, healthy, thriving, content and beautiful.

I’ve always dislike favouritism, possibly because I’ve seen the cruel, selfish, spoiled, greedy, shallow be favoured and those of us who do the donkey work, who help those who need us get through each day, who take responsibility (when we don’t need to) get the short end of the stick for relatively minor things whilst the ‘prodigal’ ones can do anything and everything to anybody even their elders, even those they’re bonded with etc and are wistfully looked at, aspirational. Living by example doesn’t pay and there’s no gratitude, and that’s ok, not expected, to an extent… But oh well, we just keep at it. It’s not like you can just walk away and be left alone, and could you live with yourself if you did?

I do things personally, on the ‘god’ levels whilst treating the followers, hangars-on, graspers, wannabes and those caught/trapped in the lesser levels with a lot more tolerance/patience (even if they don’t deserve it). Ironically they’d make you as weak and malleable as possible just like the upper levels and yet taking things out on something ‘smaller’/lesser/weaker than you is just distasteful, to me anyway. I know a lot of people take things out on inanimate objects too, but I find that ridiculous. Just do some flippin’ yoga or non-contact, not-too-aggressive-sport/hobby to calm, read/watch a silly comedy, take a bath/steam/sauna whatever; the contact/combat, intense stuff is a different matter and also necessary but not to be confused.

I don’t like skirmishes, thuggery, gang mentality etc, I’m pretty much a solo yet have friends/loved ones and help any/everyone in overwhelming pain that I can and I’m in it for the long haul, I don’t just give up on people, it might take ages but we get there, I might take a battering(s) from the very people/person I’m trying to help (and who even called me) but I get them out of it like they wanted. I don’t know if I’m the better for it, I’m old and tired but hey the older the ‘rebel’ or ‘leader’ any type of ‘player’ (and no I don’t play games, I try to explain them and even take them a part because humans and those they are like are addicted to them) the more dangerous they are.

I’m one-on-one, if I love you you damned well feel it, if I hate you you’ll know the meaning of fear without me having to do anything at all. This is some of the power of some of us, people and ‘people’ who for whatever reason attract others by their strong magnetism/personality/strength/resilience/ideals etc. It’s obvious I’m not interested in games or using others, but others use everything you say, think, do as a signal of some kind, as a juicy theme of the day for their news perspective/games/gossip/reporting, amazing when you’re a private individual lol. Yet groups still want you for something. And it’s that something that bothers me, even people you love have goals for you that they didn’t tell you from the start and that’s not me, I make my position clear from the start or any change as soon as I change. I say what I want, what I don’t want (and it’s rarely listened to) but still at least I try to let people and ‘people’ know where they stand with me, unless they’re game playing or communication is awkward for whatever reason. That actually puts me at a disadvantage, it’s not very clever at all, but it’s who I am.

Then there’s those that believe you’re the answer to their call and you didn’t even know they called you. Hmm.

I’m just writing the explanations of masonic symbolism here along with other things that interest me, ironically the symbolism is something that idiot masons and associates have convoluted so much over so long they barely understand themselves anymore so they flock to those like me who can see/understand (and treat them like sh*t). I don’t publicize anything nor ask for anything (heck your brutal masonic upbringing teaches us not to ask for anything that’s for sure), you don’t have to follow in any way whatsoever and yet… Playing follow the leader when the ‘leader’ doesn’t even want you. Pathetic.

You mess about with people’s psyche’s, their subconscious, unconscious, the approx 33% of their lives they spend asleep, you’re invasive, not me. Btw – El Cazador De La Bruja talks about the formulation and trying to attract a godsoul/spirit, it’s a new based on the old/continuing Mother/Daughter story/life. Control via the unconscious; so if people who’ve been conditioned for fight/flight, escape/evade, missions in a virtual reality environment and/or are just targets for practise, fun, keeping the pack satisfied etc then they should be able to defend themselves. Quite frankly if people and even ‘people’ and other species are going to go to sleep, then they should be able to sleep/rest in peace; if they’re going to dream they should be able to remember it, it’s not for you to be there and then choose whether they remember it or not, it’s their memory/mind/personality/life. We shouldn’t be sleeping or dreaming (or living fabricated waking realities) in the first place and you know it. Your change of game tactic was mega quick though, unsurprising given its one you already use i.e. surrounding the target and you with ‘children’ characters so they’ll relent, be more at ease, forget etc. Low. Really low. And you pretend to be the ‘good guys’.

I’m associated with fate/the fates, so not random ‘luck’, maybe I’m pushing against my own fate too much or at least the destiny decided by others, I don’t know. That’s the problem, people barely know anything – as quoted from ‘Read or Die’ anime – “99% of people don’t even know who they are”. So those of us who know more imo should be more open about it which is what I’ve always tried to do.

You want me to do something for you, you had better be clear about it from the start. Don’t be having meeting about me and saying I’ve done this, said that and so it’s permission, association, validity or whatever for your hopes. Yes I’m associated with hope too, but not everybody can get what they want. I’m here for Earth, the Mother Goddess, that’s it – who I help extra to that is separate, conditional and subject to change. I’ll suffer and have with others, I’ll shoulder the pain and burden, just knowing me makes things like getting into private schools on almost no fee etc happen for people who are/are seen as ‘close’ to me and the same for those who’ve parasited off association with Mum and anyone seen as a ‘source’ etc but anything we try to do for ourselves… I’m no one’s tool and I won’t be played for a fool. I keep telling people and ‘people’ to decide what they need to be happy, them, inside them, not all the expectations, programming, conditioning, culture etc (if it doesn’t hurt anyone/thing else). The thing is the people and ‘people’ who do that, and moreso those who do that successfully tend to be the least caring and/or quite oblivious and those are the ones gods, demons, villains, heroes deal with (and that should mean dealing with each other too one-on-one without using masses/regular ‘people’) and then if Gods are necessary you know it’s bad, messed up totally. Which is where ‘we’re’/the planet/narrative is at. It’s not a prophecy, worlds are ‘live’.

So stop saying ‘you’re the one’, ‘they’re the one’ to ‘people’, god levels and in our case Gods even. Let alone hanging onto their coattails for ‘inspiration’ on which stories/reviews/thoughts of the day to write, playing all sides and trying to beg friendship or belittle to prove yourself in another alliance you want. Life is not supposed to be a coup d’etat or game. But if you only understand it that way – this is the last/final round. I’m not escaping the fate I set myself, just not accepting other roles, add-ons (being connected to me doesn’t mean my titles/status/heritage etc is yours and vice versa) and most certainly not going along with those cretins and ‘aliens’ who want to ‘lose’ the Mother again or blame Her for our trauma. Look in the mirror for that.

It’s hard, it’s extremely hard being between a rock and a hard place especially watching and knowing others feel the same but whilst being a ‘negative’ person I’ve always managed to surprisingly (to many) stay upbeat too and I’ll keep it that way thank you very damned and divine bloody much. ๐Ÿ™‚