Tonight I went to somewhere which is supposed to be full of laughter and awe, and I did manage that a bit as I always do but at what cost?
I’ve always had a lot of respect for circus performers and acrobats; the work they do, their commitment and what they achieve. I like their spirit and their hard work. I also love the feats the human body is capable of.
The big top was full of children and people upto middle age mostly and I was dreading the clowns thinking it would be too childish (I’m adverse to clowns, I hate foolishness) and hoping only for the gymnasts (though I know many clowns are multi-discipline and have to be in order to put their acts together). However by the end of the night even I liked them and was clapping and shouting along like panto and hoping the giant inflatable ball they threw at the audience to pass around would reach me, which was something since I’ve never done that before, I love panto but don’t get involved. I think it shows how much I need to enjoy myself. The last circus I visited was the Chinese State Circus and their was a focus on martial arts and gymnastics, this was more traditional where the clowns entertained whilst the other performers and stage hands quickly set up, in the Chinese one they had the ‘monkey’ who as many probably know is also a martial artist but more of a court jester/a fool than a clown. These smaller, constantly traveling circuses really have to bring innovation and surprise to their acts with the big showstoppers around like Cirque Du Soleil and theatre in general.
We weren’t allowed to use flash photography and with all the movement it was hard to get good pics but here are the best; I was in the second row so I was close:
It’s really hard for me to do things, it’s easy for people in my condition to end up sitting in a dark corner in a personal, invisible hell and don’t move, unable to do things for themselves or they end up walking the streets talking to themselves so frustrated, distracted and vulnerable to accident. I can’t sit, stand or lie down comfortably; my particular psychosis is that I’m being raped in every way all the time by men, women, children, animals, aliens/spirits, incest and it doesn’t stop, it’s almost ‘with’ every person/creature I/they see and if it’s not rape it’s focusing on their sexuality/bodies – I hear voices and see them as people ganging up on me and see visions in general, I barely sleep and they continue in my dreams – the auditory hallucinations are literally 24/7, it doesn’t stop for 1 second. It’s like being part of a snuff move that doesn’t end. I can’t go to the bathroom easily, I don’t wash/shower/bath I towel clean instead like a bedridden patient and I have to hold myself completely taut at all times trying to ignore my breasts and holding my genitalia closed so as not to have any reactions or feel even more violated. My mouth is tightly shut all the time but constantly feels and looks like things are being shoved my throat – the tongue moves, throat gulps etc. It’s a case for euthanasia or patient assisted suicide. I can’t go to the cinema because the voices have something against it, I can’t spend time with my father because the voices make think I want to have sex with him/am having it with him/have had an affair with him. I can’t look or think about dogs anymore. They try to force me not to be vegan. I’m forced to watch and re-go through real trauma that’s happened and new ones, like watching the death of loved ones over and over in ever different ways, re-live real deaths, it reminds me of a series called Tinman (2007) a spin-off from The Wizard of Oz in which the evil Queen murders his family and then traps him in a tiny box just big enough for his body where he’s forced to watch it over and over again until he dies unable to do anything about it. Most of the time I feel like a woman dragged off the street by a gang and kept alive just enough tied up and beaten for them to keep her as a rape toy for as long as they can. The list goes on – some of which is HERE and added to the list of chronic pains I already developed over life such as problems with my bones, legs/hip and back. The discomfort of this puts so much stress on my body and medication makes that even worse including increased cardiovascular risk. There’s a lot of pressure on my bladder and egestion, the way I have to move constantly and hold myself doesn’t help, add to that the anxiety and constant indigestion means that I’m constantly needing to go to the bathroom which makes the whole situation worse, as soon as I feel the need the voices get even worse and want to rape more viciously and unlike anyone else who can get on with things until they have to go, the second I know that I’ll need to go soon I have to go because they get so rabid so quickly. Tonight I did my best to enjoy myself but the degrading commentary, feeling, visions are a constant battle, I’m constantly in a war within myself and I almost felt like I was going to soil myself on the walk home. The last time that happened another character ‘William’ showed up after a long time and mocked me. Humiliation, shame and ‘punishment’ figure a lot and then they tell you that they love you.
Despite all this I do my absolute best to keep trying to do normal things when I can afford them. I try to laugh which I’ve managed again because I couldn’t for a long time after my face froze three times since last August, I still can’t cry but to be honest I don’t want to work on that.
This happened recently when the voices got rabid and I was on a potholed ridden street; I fell, skidded and landed badly:
Even with all of this happening to me all of the time and tonight I still knew exactly how each act would play out and when, I knew when they would do what and how long each would last though I’d never seen them before. I’ve always been able to do this but the ‘voices’ didn’t believe me and now they do but obviously I can’t estimate anywhere near as well as I used to before they came along. I have a lot of memory loss and lost the knack/developed instincts of many things/subjects. It’s nice to know I still have something of myself left but that’s little comfort when you have to be forever vigilant and as soon as the second you calm/get tired comes along it gets worse; the walk home in the dark, empty streets in the pouring rain on those rough pavements was particularly trying with them shouting at me, thankfully I managed not to let them drown out all the other sounds and not get run over (almost got hit by a bus some months back).
Watching these amazing people reminds me that many successful athletes and performers and overpaid and pampered in comparison; these people are on the road constantly, sometimes live on it and take part in almost every aspect from ticket taking, meeting/greeting, selling merchandise/food to putting the tent and equipment together. There’s no airs and graces, autographs nor paying to see them individually; they will at one moment perform and the next be selling knick knacks and hotdogs throughout the crowd. These are real workers.