Pursuing natural health & thinking beyond the superficial. Deconstructing Culture.

Posts tagged ‘Illness’

Living and Dying with Dignity

This is the medicine I take:

and there’s more to come and that doesn’t include the masses of vitamins and supplements.

Do you call that quality of life? I’m not living and I never have really, I’ve just been surviving. It’s not good enough, I’m just dying slow and painfully.

We need euthanasia and patient assisted suicide in this country, it’s too expensive to travel abroad to die with some sense of yourself left so many of us will never afford it and just continue to fervently wish that the next minute heck the next second will be better than the next. I’ve seen one charity which is an alternative to being able to legally die in this country give advice on how to pass on as easily as possible and it’s still daunting as hell and that’s something coming from me and a heck of a lot of others who’ve suffered their entire lives.

We have no choice and so more and more of us fall to the wayside in silence either unable to talk or feeling that there’s no point, or commit suicide or end up in an accident or end up in ‘care’ having to rely on others for daily needs. I already have a full time (my Mother) in that I’m ‘lucky’ in comparison to people who have no one who loves them, a GP, a care co-ordinator, support worker, psychiatrist and psychologist as well as emergency staff to call if I need to which I do every day actually but I refrain and have only called up once on the non-emergency line because I didn’t want to be a bother but just couldn’t cope. Another time I was sat I was unable to move, breathing very difficulty, only able to whisper, in serious pain and vomiting. Instead of 999 I was to call the non-emergency/non-immediate threatening 111, I couldn’t even speak, I was dragging the words out but they didn’t want to speak to my Mum they wanted to speak to me and for ages I might add getting every detail while I was gasping for air and then they decided to send an ambulance out. When they finally turned up quite some time later ‘my’ voices said “we’ll stop the pain now” (after all those hours of laughing at me “so this is what pain feels like”, “this is fun”, “does it hurt, yes it does, does it hurt” and being hyenas) so I guess I felt some kind relief that help had arrived. But did it? No. The paramedics decided I was fit and well enough to go to A&E by myself (how??? We don’t drive nor is there easy access to transport late night and who can afford minicabs) and wait to be seen but they didn’t want to take me because of the stomach pain/vomiting. Nevermind all the other problems I have and that people with my conditions have gastric problems as a result but they kept saying it might be a virus so they couldn’t risk it, that I might infect a ward and they’d have to shut it down but were somehow ok with me going there myself and waiting. One of the ambulance workers actually told me not to go certain hospitals because they were rubbish and uncaring. According to one of the nurses I saw a while after “unless you’ve got a limb falling off they don’t really want to give you a bed on the NHS” and we all know how long waiting lists are.

It’s taboo for medical professionals to talk about euthanasia and patient assisted suicide in this country and it’s more than time that that changed.

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People with ‘Mental Health’ Deserve the Right to Euthanasia and Patient Assisted Suicide too, not just ‘Physically/Terminally Ill’ People

People with ‘Mental Health’ Deserve the Right to Euthanasia and Patient Assisted Suicide Too, Not Just ‘Physically/Terminally Ill’ People

I used to hear automatic words, mostly God names and certain people’s names on loop and I used to feel like I was under threat, like something bad would happen, that they would make fears or make the fears I had happen. This happened for years, I learned to fight it back by forcing myself to breathe deeply and trying to think about something else. They weren’t necessarily panic attacks because they could last for days at a time. It would become a physical pressure. There was a couple of times when I was making a sandwich and all of a sudden I’d be pointing the knife at my heart and almost daring myself to kill myself and feeling my arm pushing towards me, something telling me (not in words but just a feeling) that I was wrong, bad, guilty, a failure, a shame, worthless, no good at anything and should be dead. Those occasions didn’t last long but I’d be crying and fighting my arm and this strange sudden consciousness to pull back and leave me alone. They were traumatic.

Obviously in the last 16 months this has become full blown voice hearing and hallucinations. Overall in the long run I’m not getting any better and all of the practices I’ve learned and keep learning to help are simply temporary fixes that the older I get don’t last long, at this point in my life they only last 2 days max. But I still try, why? Because there’s euthanasia and patient assisted suicide aren’t legal in this country. I’m pretty much over the whole I need to protect and look after those I love and feel obligated to, I’ve had enough and need to rest in peace.

I hear my own voice played at me loudly like a tape recorder but I’m not allowed to think in it, when I try to think I’m silenced.

I’m tired of being “inspirational” to people as I was told today and providing coping strategies because I’ve tried and developed so many, I manage to touch people and give them renewed energy but there’s no fix for me. I’m not sick of helping others, I’m sick of being sick. I’ve been ill probably my entire life, obviously since I was 12 but likely beforehand given the major hair and memory loss between the ages 5-10. It just gets worse, today I ate a meal and it became the body of my best friend, my dead best friend. Then it was put inside me and vomited out (if it’s not put in one orifice then its put in another if not all of them), that was after seeing him hacked to death once again and again and again (and his orifices aren’t safe either).

In the last 16 months it’s like I’ve been internally explaining to a child the risks of every day of everyday things like ‘be careful of this, that does that, this does this’ etc but because this ‘child’ is a cruel, nasty, evil thing disguised as a child (group of them actually with ugly faces and mannerisms) instead of knowing these every day things as low risk or unlikely, they’ve become risks that shouldn’t have to be. Just being careful and knowing with gentle guidance isn’t enough, I can’t even touch some things/others anymore such as sharp objects, instead of being able to look at the toilet I’ve been made to ‘want’ to stick my head in there and eat the contents. I hate my condition. I hate being called a whore and beggar all day. I hate everything about it, there’s no redeeming or easy to manage features at all. Everything has become a disgusting risk that I have to take too seriously.

There’s no end in sight.

And then if/when I get ‘better’ how much possibility will there be of a relapse? That it’ll hit me when I least expect it and damage me even worse?

I want retribution on these ‘voices/characters’ but I can’t access them and I probably wouldn’t want to, I’d need someone to do that for me, but how can retribution or even revenge even be gotten on such ‘things’ especially if they’re not real. I didn’t choose to be born like this, for these things to happen, I didn’t have any real opportunities no matter how many I tried to make and pursue, there’s always been trauma and too much to deal with, why should I have to live let alone like this?

It’s not just the ‘mentally ill’ either, no one ever asks what about the abused, raped, prostituted, molested, violated, beaten, slaves, other trauma experienced people? What if they say “I’ve just had enough?”

Let us die in peace, legally, without pain/difficulty, without recourse to those who may have helped or known about it, and cheaply for goodness sake.

People with Mental Health Issues are at the Forefront of Self Control

That might be a strange title but people who are aware that they have any kind of ‘mental health’ issue (be it anxiety, depression, stress, cognitive disorder, anti-social, fear of being around others or mixed mental/physical dis-ease) are people who have to face the struggle of gaining or re-gaining self control and to a much more enduring level than ‘regular’ people. (Bear in mind most people will experience mental health ‘deviance’/issues at some point in their lives or at least know someone who will.) This ever increasing number of people are constantly struggling to be in more control of themselves and at peace and positive – ‘peace and positivity’ sounds very zen/yogi doesn’t it? Well it is. Yoga practitioners/healthy living fans are not the only ones trying to achieve self control, mental health sufferers are more on the level of initiates trying to achieve a level that sometimes seems superhuman or divine. Why is that? For sufferers it’s because they’re seen as dangerous or a threat and start believing it themselves with intrusive thoughts and stigma which turns into self-harm and/or introverted-ness, much public perception sees them as linked to criminal behaviour and that’s a common yet extreme stereotype. For spiritual practitioners and religious people who are not Masonic/club members the ethos is that we can’t control our surroundings or society but we can control ourselves and we reach within ourselves to be at peace with the space without. Gaining or re-gaining self-control doesn’t mean that you’re dangerous to society, no one thinks that of priests/equivalent public/civil figures that way until they realize the scale of molestation, punishment and discrimination that goes on in most organized religion not to mention that religion is constantly used as a tool/excuse for resource grabbing and ethnic cleansing i.e. war, they are seen as the forefront of and to spirituality. Gaining or re-gaining self-control just means you’re trying to achieve it consciously rather than unconsciously e.g. trying to modify or get rid of a habit or addiction such as food, smoking or alcohol. But unlike spirituality (‘positive mental health’ where people are happy or comfortable being aware of and perhaps reaching out to people and places we can’t see) people with ‘negative mental health’ (where they’re being overwhelmed) struggle an every day battle with every thing; they might love something/one very much but have horrible thoughts about them or feel propelled to do something they don’t want to do so are constantly fighting it, trying to make peace with it, trying to control the ‘urge’. The point is they know they don’t want the pressure/’desire’ to think/do these possible things and so they’re constantly trying to be stronger to make sure they don’t, perhaps even making it so that they can’t do those things.

Terms I use:

(Obviously ‘mental health’ just means your mental health but it’s become a phrase that mean problems with your mental health and associated with illness.)

Positive ‘mental health’ – people who are ok with being called and/or calling themselves psychic, medium, spiritualist, priest, very religious person (meta-narrative believer), person who hears/feels comforting presences, person who purposely trains/opens themselves up to be aware of more (a part of Hinduism and Buddhism for example).

Negative ‘mental health’ – hear/feels/sees presences and/or thoughts that are not welcome.

Both are the same thing, both are aware of something else or a deeper part of consciousness whether mental, physical or both (imo they’re interconnected, I don’t believe the body is just temporal or merely a ‘suit’, I believe it to very important and capable of memory/consciousness, I don’t think it’s all in the brain where many think the mind is based, I think the mind is all over) but both don’t have the same effects for people.

There’s also the problem of ‘fantasy’ – believing in something that differs from general sensory reality such as believing in miracles and miraculous people/beings in religions or having a psychosis on an individual basis doesn’t mean it’s all fictitious. It’s easy to say ‘oh that’s their belief’ or ‘that’s their psychosis’ and the more time that passes and if the belief system becomes normalized we are able to see it as less threatening (remember when most religions or new branches of religion comes into being there is conflict and usually bloodshed). It’s part of their fantasy, it didn’t really happen, it doesn’t happen, they’re paranoid, susceptible, gullible, open to persuasion, a somnambulist etc. With one label the whole experience can be discredited or made easier to ignore, we assume that we understand their situation because we associate them with the things we’ve come across but that isn’t necessarily fair.

It’s a quandary; public opinion is becoming more informed and slightly more tolerant of people who hear voices for example (and many people do and will hear them at some point in their lives, not constantly but will hear a voice now and then and rationalize it ‘oh I thought I heard something, must have been this or that’, put it down as one of those strange experiences and possibly forget it) so the name ‘schizophrenia’ for example is met with a bit more compassion. However in the medical industry the labels and even diagnosis of ‘schizophrenia’, ‘multiple personality disorder’ and such are being discouraged with the general term ‘psychosis’ preferred partially because there’s so much about the mind and consciousness that we don’t know and that can affect us all in different ways. There are overlying patterns but it has to be seen on a more patient by patient basis rather than a one-size-fits-all model. But the word ‘psychosis’ hits a fear trigger in public, it’s compared with ‘psycho’, ‘socio’, ‘off-kilter’, ‘problem’, ‘dangerous’ etc so there’s a conflict between public and medical/associated institution perception which doesn’t help sufferers. That’s a factor of labeling in general and affects everybody in some way, we all fall into groups and classifications but ‘psychosis’ is pretty controversial in public even if common in healthcare.

I was told specialists that my sympathy and empathy are a ‘gift’, “a really beautiful gift that can’t be developed or learned easily, it’s not a talent in people it’s something you just have or don’t, a beautiful gift” (because I’m an easy crier and very easily relate to people and am able to get them to relate to each other) but when it’s taken advantage of such as in my situation it can be detrimental to me [or/and not to those who’d benefit]. That’s not to say I shouldn’t be but it has taken over. Another told me “what you’re going through is no judgement on you, you have to constantly remember that, it’s not judgement on you, this is not who you are or what you’re like, it shows, it really shows that it’s the opposite of you, these things playing out so horribly shows that you care so much about everybody and everything and that you have so much love.” I innately know that but it means so much to be told. My psychosis takes needing to know that I’m still a good person and a beautiful person, always have been and always will be to another level – it’s such a deep trauma and hurts so badly, like I’ve known nothing but war and home invasion my entire life and I just need respite and my privacy respected and to know that I’m not a bother, a burden nor an embarrassment and I don’t need to be hidden away either. I know how terrible it is for people to feel awful, in so much pain and in practically a merciless/pitiless position over physical beauty and identification let alone how I feel most of the time. This whole situation with ‘William’ (in regards to older blog posts) has made me feel like I need to be reminded that I’m actually a really likable person, I make people laugh, feel better about themselves, I want to know about them, to comfort in a deeply humane way and can easily understand their frustrations and am willing to in the first place. The problem with ‘William’ is that it was a romantic scenario and so has left the usual chasm of needing to be loved/knowing that you’re loveable, that ‘he’ should have loved me but didn’t. Ironically I didn’t need or want it to begin with and then I gave too much and he didn’t actually show me any love me at all, quite the opposite and tried to make it so that I couldn’t talk about what was/is going on. I’ve also been told by specialists that my case is “exceptional” and “extraordinary” (not in a good way), extremely frightening for me but not in a way that reflects badly on myself (something that ‘William’/his ‘people’ have done to/made me feel as if I’m bad, dirty, disgusting, ugly, ignorant, cybernetic/nothing but a tool, a ‘mark’ etc). My case is even harder to explain than ordinarily but not singular in a way that makes me more of a ‘threat’ – as society is led to see us – than one of the many other people in similar undiagnosed ‘psychoses’.

To transition on a slightly satirical note: I recently came across an automated system that asks you “if are terminally ill or have less than 6 months to live please press 1 otherwise please press 2” and in the circumstances it was just so insulting that I had to bitterly laugh and thought “no but I’d like to be so just so I don’t have to put up with this anymore”. That’s no disrespect to the terminally ill or prescribed as close to death but when you’ve got ‘mental health’ (that should actually mean you’ve got good health because you’ve got a healthy mind, our language is backwards because instead it sounds like you’ve got something contagious and bad) you are put behind those with ‘physical [ill] health’ and not seen as as much of a priority though we have similar and the same horror stories about dealing with institutions as those with ‘physical illness’ as a norm plus ‘physical illness’ causes ‘mental illness’ and vice versa. Come on when so much ‘mental health’ leads to self-destructive thoughts and vulnerability aren’t we eligible for the whole ‘living and possibly dying with dignity’ debate as well?
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Insanity as a symptom of humanity?

https://www.sott.net/article/358932-Nepal-Its-now-a-criminal-act-to-force-women-into-menstruation-huts

Nepal: It’s now a criminal act to force women into menstruation huts

Source: RT, Thu, 10 Aug 2017 21:28 UTC © Prakash Mathema / AFP

Nepalese women sit by a fire in a chhaupadi hut.

Nepalese women sit by a fire in a chhaupadi hut.

The Nepalese government has made it a criminal act to force women into cowsheds while they’re on their periods. The ancient Hindu tradition sends menstruating females into the sheds to keep so-called “impurity” out of the home.

Although the practice – called ‘chhaupadi’ – was banned by the Supreme Court in 2005, it remains common in Nepal’s remote west.

However, the government has now made the practice a criminal act that could come with jail time.

“The parliament has a passed a new law that makes chhaupadi a criminal act,” lawmaker Krishna Bhakta Pokharel, who headed a parliamentary panel that finalized the legislation, told the Thomson Reuters Foundation.

“Anyone forcing women into seclusion during their period can now be sentenced to three months in jail.”

The new law will come into force within a year, according to Pokharel, as authorities want to spread awareness of the legislation before cracking down on offenders.

Some Nepalese communities believe they will fall victim to misfortune such as natural disaster if females are not sent into isolation while menstruating.

However, the practice – which exposes them to rape by men and attacks by wild animals – has led to the deaths of several women.

Just last month, a 19-year-old died from a snake bite while she was staying in a shed in the district of Dailekh. In December, another girl suffocated to death in a poorly-ventilated shed in the Achham district.

[Sott] Comment: Nepali teen dies from snake bite in ‘menstruation hut’

In addition to sending females into isolation, some communities also ban them from drinking milk and feed them less food while they are on their periods.

The law against banishing women to cowsheds has been praised by the National Alliance for Women’s Human Rights Defenders, a local Nepalese activist group, which has called the practice “inhumane.”

The group’s head has called on community members and activists to “remain vigilant and report any case of chhaupadi.”

“Such vigilance will force the government to strictly enforce the law,” Renu Rajbhandari said, as quoted by Reuters.

The ban comes after the United Nations joined up with the youth-led organization Restless Development Nepal in April, in order to push for an end to the practice which the organization said subjects women to “cold and isolation, often at risk of illness and animal attacks.”

The ancient and ongoing demonization of women is something else; I knew females were banned in temples and from even doing home pujas, even touching religious iconography at home but thinking natural disasters occur if they’re not shamed/isolated from the community and basically warning the entire community that they’re on their periods? And from one of the most spiritual places on Earth with some of the most enlightened learning and on the flipside fighting. It just highlights the hypocrisy and elitism of learning of the initiated. Hinduism and it’s later offshoots such as Jainism, Buddhism and Sikhism are linked to vast amounts of knowledge on consciousness, how we function biologically, nature, space, how to live etc and yet these places somehow have and still have complete depravity, degradation and domineering behaviours. How are the rest of us supposed to cope if they can’t get it right?

It reminds me of people around the world who used to think it was bad luck to have females aboard a boat and blame misfortune on them and yes it included storms, hurricanes and being sunk. People are insane, what passes for ‘normal’ is based on how many of us are doing the same thing at any given time.

Night at the Circus and the Horror of Trying to Enjoy Myself

Tonight I went to somewhere which is supposed to be full of laughter and awe, and I did manage that a bit as I always do but at what cost?

I’ve always had a lot of respect for circus performers and acrobats; the work they do, their commitment and what they achieve. I like their spirit and their hard work. I also love the feats the human body is capable of.

The big top was full of children and people upto middle age mostly and I was dreading the clowns thinking it would be too childish (I’m adverse to clowns, I hate foolishness) and hoping only for the gymnasts (though I know many clowns are multi-discipline and have to be in order to put their acts together). However by the end of the night even I liked them and was clapping and shouting along like panto and hoping the giant inflatable ball they threw at the audience to pass around would reach me, which was something since I’ve never done that before, I love panto but don’t get involved. I think it shows how much I need to enjoy myself. The last circus I visited was the Chinese State Circus and their was a focus on martial arts and gymnastics, this was more traditional where the clowns entertained whilst the other performers and stage hands quickly set up, in the Chinese one they had the ‘monkey’ who as many probably know is also a martial artist but more of a court jester/a fool than a clown. These smaller, constantly traveling circuses really have to bring innovation and surprise to their acts with the big showstoppers around like Cirque Du Soleil and theatre in general.

We weren’t allowed to use flash photography and with all the movement it was hard to get good pics but here are the best; I was in the second row so I was close:

Those are lightweight, separate chairs that don’t interlink, they might have grip on them but it wasn’t visible.

Unfortunately trumpet playing was the only obvious skill on display with these clowns, kicking each other up the bum and foam pie throwing was the rest of it.

This guy was magnificent, magnificent. See those trapeze ‘ropes’ he’s using, their not ropes they’re chains. Yes chains. Ouch much. Yet he was so very elegant as he flew through the skies.

He was also a juggler and fire user (as pictured earlier).

That is a rocket, yes a rocket. It was actually gas propelled so that if it wasn’t tied to the ceiling it would have gone off in one direction, the power it had coupled with the rotation pulley it was on meant it travelled in a circle. So clever. And there were two people inside it! Another innovative trapeze.

She was spinning from her head possibly a mouthpiece so beautifully.

Yet another surprising aerial (and I’m so glad there were many sky high acts, they’re one of my favourite, I love the feeling of flying) – he’s using a net as his ‘rope’ or in his case more traditionally ribbons.

They really had their visuals on point, I love the use of fountains beneath him (he was the chair acrobat from earlier and he liked to dance).

A very elegant finish, she was lovely to watch. I still have to note though that as usual all of the males were fully covered like gymnasts (and ice skaters) always have the option of whereas the women were all in bum showing leotards and and ripped costumes. Not exactly decent but it’s easy to normalize women’s bodies to children young eh.

It’s really hard for me to do things, it’s easy for people in my condition to end up sitting in a dark corner in a personal, invisible hell and don’t move, unable to do things for themselves or they end up walking the streets talking to themselves so frustrated, distracted and vulnerable to accident. I can’t sit, stand or lie down comfortably; my particular psychosis is that I’m being raped in every way all the time by men, women, children, animals, aliens/spirits, incest and it doesn’t stop, it’s almost ‘with’ every person/creature I/they see and if it’s not rape it’s focusing on their sexuality/bodies – I hear voices and see them as people ganging up on me and see visions in general, I barely sleep and they continue in my dreams – the auditory hallucinations are literally 24/7, it doesn’t stop for 1 second. It’s like being part of a snuff move that doesn’t end. I can’t go to the bathroom easily, I don’t wash/shower/bath I towel clean instead like a bedridden patient and I have to hold myself completely taut at all times trying to ignore my breasts and holding my genitalia closed so as not to have any reactions or feel even more violated. My mouth is tightly shut all the time but constantly feels and looks like things are being shoved my throat – the tongue moves, throat gulps etc. It’s a case for euthanasia or patient assisted suicide. I can’t go to the cinema because the voices have something against it, I can’t spend time with my father because the voices make think I want to have sex with him/am having it with him/have had an affair with him. I can’t look or think about dogs anymore. They try to force me not to be vegan. I’m forced to watch and re-go through real trauma that’s happened and new ones, like watching the death of loved ones over and over in ever different ways, re-live real deaths, it reminds me of a series called Tinman (2007) a spin-off from The Wizard of Oz in which the evil Queen murders his family and then traps him in a tiny box just big enough for his body where he’s forced to watch it over and over again until he dies unable to do anything about it. Most of the time I feel like a woman dragged off the street by a gang and kept alive just enough tied up and beaten for them to keep her as a rape toy for as long as they can. The list goes on – some of which is HERE and added to the list of chronic pains I already developed over life such as problems with my bones, legs/hip and back. The discomfort of this puts so much stress on my body and medication makes that even worse including increased cardiovascular risk. There’s a lot of pressure on my bladder and egestion, the way I have to move constantly and hold myself doesn’t help, add to that the anxiety and constant indigestion means that I’m constantly needing to go to the bathroom which makes the whole situation worse, as soon as I feel the need the voices get even worse and want to rape more viciously and unlike anyone else who can get on with things until they have to go, the second I know that I’ll need to go soon I have to go because they get so rabid so quickly. Tonight I did my best to enjoy myself but the degrading commentary, feeling, visions are a constant battle, I’m constantly in a war within myself and I almost felt like I was going to soil myself on the walk home. The last time that happened another character ‘William’ showed up after a long time and mocked me. Humiliation, shame and ‘punishment’ figure a lot and then they tell you that they love you.

Despite all this I do my absolute best to keep trying to do normal things when I can afford them. I try to laugh which I’ve managed again because I couldn’t for a long time after my face froze three times since last August, I still can’t cry but to be honest I don’t want to work on that.

This happened recently when the voices got rabid and I was on a potholed ridden street; I fell, skidded and landed badly:

Even with all of this happening to me all of the time and tonight I still knew exactly how each act would play out and when, I knew when they would do what and how long each would last though I’d never seen them before. I’ve always been able to do this but the ‘voices’ didn’t believe me and now they do but obviously I can’t estimate anywhere near as well as I used to before they came along. I have a lot of memory loss and lost the knack/developed instincts of many things/subjects. It’s nice to know I still have something of myself left but that’s little comfort when you have to be forever vigilant and as soon as the second you calm/get tired comes along it gets worse; the walk home in the dark, empty streets in the pouring rain on those rough pavements was particularly trying with them shouting at me, thankfully I managed not to let them drown out all the other sounds and not get run over (almost got hit by a bus some months back).

Watching these amazing people reminds me that many successful athletes and performers and overpaid and pampered in comparison; these people are on the road constantly, sometimes live on it and take part in almost every aspect from ticket taking, meeting/greeting, selling merchandise/food to putting the tent and equipment together. There’s no airs and graces, autographs nor paying to see them individually; they will at one moment perform and the next be selling knick knacks and hotdogs throughout the crowd. These are real workers.