Pursuing natural health & thinking beyond the superficial. Deconstructing Culture.

Posts tagged ‘Justice’

One of the Stingiest Bitches I’ve Come Across, And That Says Something… INQUEST NOT INQUIRY pt 3

We all knew £5m wouldn’t be enough for the victims of Grenfell Tower… And remember the council has £274m in surplus for failing to use their budgets properly as well as paying rebates to the highest tax payers because of it, might as well be embezzlement. Reminds me of the Hackney council 10m embezzlement some years back which was discovered when they managed to build a brand spanking new Town Hall and periphery [gorgeous] buildings yet rubbish was piling up on the streets… That said there was no ‘corporate manslaughter’ (or ‘murder’, since Kensington and Chelsea knew the risks of what they were doing all those years) involved because of it.

http://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/uknews/grenfell-tower-families-to-get-%C2%A35500-government-payout/ar-BBCQupg

Families left homeless by the Grenfell Tower fire are to receive more than £5,000 to help them rebuild their lives, with £500 available immediately in cash, Theresa May has announced.

The cash payments are already being distributed by Kensington and Chelsea council to affected households, and from Monday payments of £5,000 will be put into bank accounts.

The money, which comes from the £5m emergency fund announced by Downing Street, may be increased if necessary.

May, the prime minister, said: “As we continue to respond to the needs of the community, our focus is on ensuring that all of those affected by this unimaginable tragedy get the right support as quickly as possible.

“My government will continue to do absolutely everything possible to help all of those affected through the difficult days, weeks, months and years ahead.”

The money will come from the £5m fund announced by May on Friday. No 10 said the £500 cash payment was already being handed out and further payments will be available from the Westway Centre and the nearby post office in Portobello Road. Help will be given to residents who do not have bank accounts.

May said: “As we continue to respond to the needs of the community, our focus is on ensuring that all of those affected by this unimaginable tragedy get the right support as quickly as possible. My government will continue to do absolutely everything possible to help all of those affected through the difficult days, weeks, months and years ahead.”

The move came as the official response to the crisis drew fresh condemnation from residents. In a statement to the Press Association, residents who met the prime minister in Downing Street over the weekend criticised Kensington and Chelsea Tenant Management Organisation for its reaction to the disaster.

The group said: “In our meeting at Downing Street, we explained to the prime minister the anger of all residents towards the management of the estate over a long period of time, paving the way to this tragedy.

“With the exception of very few junior officers, the estate managers have been invisible in the aftermath of the tragedy.”

What the hell is that going to cover? Nothing. They have nothing; they’re starting from scratch, not even from scratch – they’re suffering from loss that they can never recover; loss of loved ones, home and memories. They’ve got no belongings except the clothes on their backs, having to look for/wait for missing persons/animals, having to wait for the dead, having to take time off work, having to sort out benefits, in need of counseling both legal and mental, possibly physical injuries to heal from, confused/grieving, overwhelmed and you think £5500 is going to mean anything? £500 in cash? Oh how charitable and responsible of you – the people of the country have done a much better job than that in one day than you and your stupid token fund and you’re the government, the place everyone looks to for regulation and ‘harmony’, peace and justice and all that. What a ‘joke’, a horrific ‘joke’. £500 won’t even cover temporary accommodation especially not in London, and where are they going for relocation, how will they pay for that? Food, clothing, household provisions, travel, medicine, furniture, funerals – all those basic essentials AND WHAT ABOUT COMPENSATION!? This doesn’t begin to even think about covering the orchestration that was done to them. The official establishments and have put them in debt and bankruptcy with this and you’re doing nothing but making their situation into a sinkhole. What about their loans, their ability to work; their whole lives have been turned upside down and you/your advisors/supporters think £5500 is ok. Butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth, I can’t believe your complete and utter lack of shame. You and everyone responsible/party to the tragedy should be humiliated at what’s happened, at what you’re offering; there’s no dignity in it at all. This is one of the worst incidents in modern history and the worst handling of it too.

INQUEST NOT INQUIRY pt 2 – Serious Corruption

Followed on from Governments and Bodies Can’t Investigate Themselves Impartially

It just gets worse and worse and worse and worse… People need to be stripped of titles, investigated, charged and convicted properly and companies shut down. Community cooperatives/management would have done better than local and central government on this.

http://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/uknews/grenfell-tower-fire-mps-attack-kensington-council-for-failure-to-spend-%C2%A3270m-reserves-on-housing/ar-BBCOzNc

Grenfell Tower fire: MPs attack Kensington council for failure to spend £270m reserves on housing

The council responsible for Grenfell Tower, where at least 58 people are now thought to have lost their lives after Wednesday’s horrific fire, has been accused of carrying out “unacceptable” financial practises after it emerged the borough had stockpiled £274m of usable reserves following years of chronic underspending.

Labour MP for Tottenham David Lammy, whose friend Khadija Saye was killed in the blaze, said very serious questions needed to be asked about why the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea (RBKC) was running a budget surplus despite repeated warnings from residents that the block posed a fire risk. The shadow Communities Secretary Andrew Gwynne said the council needed to “immediately explain itself” over why the funds were not used to ensure safe housing.

“If some of this money was spent on sprinkler systems and non-flammable cladding we wouldn’t be where we are today,” Mr Lammy told The Independent.

“Residents are saying that they feel as though they have been treated as second-class citizens because they are poor. It cannot be right that the council ran a budget surplus whilst families in their borough were living in such unsafe housing. That is simply unacceptable.

“The people of Kensington and Chelsea are angry and they have every right to be. We need answers and we need justice. Serious questions have to be asked about why the council was running a budget surplus when the Grenfell residents were warning about fire risks.”

Mr Gwynne said: “The council needs to immediately explain why these funds were not used to ensure safe housing for Kensington and Chelsea residents. There are too many opportunities for this tragedy to have been avoided.

At this time of intense stress and trauma, the least that these communities deserve are answers.”

In 2013/14, RBKC underspent by £30m “thanks to an overachieving efficiency drive,” according to Council Leader Nick Paget-Brown. [My Comment – this guy chats too much, he’s been allowed to why? https://fashionthatpays.wordpress.com/2017/06/16/grenfell-tower-conservative-tory-failures/%5D Instead of reinvesting the funds, top rate council tax-payers were subsequently offered a £100 rebate to account for the overspend.

“In deciding what to do with it, we have taken the view that it is simply wrong to discount from our calculations those whose money this was in the first place. In short, we think the right place for it is back with our residents,” Mr Paget-Brown wrote at the time.

While some of the reserve money is ring-fenced, the revelation follows claims that additional spending on the west London block could have prevented the tragedy that killed at least 58 people on Wednesday.

Questions were raised about the cladding that was fitted to the building during a 2015 refurbishment, which experts suggested may have helped the flames spread more rapidly throughout the tower than they would otherwise have.

Fitting a fire-resistant alternative would have cost as little as £5,000 extra to instal. The British Automatic Fire Sprinkler Association also said installing a sprinkler system would cost just £200,000.

“We have heard that the council gave residents a £100 rebate in 2014, when just £5,000 would have paid for non-flammable cladding on the outside of Grenfell Tower,” Mr Lammy said.

It follows claims by Labour Councillor Robert Atkinson the council was “bribing the electorate with its own money” after it “systematically and deliberately created underspends”.

“Our suspicion, based on past experience, remains that this council will bring in and hoard the people’s money in non election years (such as this) only to give it back as a pre-election bribe immediately before a council election – such as next year,” he said in a speech after 2017’s budget was announced.

“We think this council’s long standing practises of, every year, running huge underspends in its revenue budgets which it then transfers into Capital reserves is wrong, and, given the damage to services that has resulted over many years from the squeezing of revenue budgets it is not to put too fine a point on it – wicked.”

Mr Paget-Brown justified the rebate in 2014, saying it could not be ploughed back into services because it was a “one-off surplus”. Despite this, over the last four years, the General Fund at RBKC has consistently underspent, with draft figures for 2016/2017 showing a surplus of £10m.

The underspend figures come in contrast to those produced by the Borough of Islington, which has a similar demographic makeup to Kensington. In 2015/16, the Council underspent by £0.2m. In the same year, Newham, one of London’s poorest boroughs, underspent by £311,000.

The Chartered Institute for Public Finance and Accountancy details three reasons for a council to have reserves, one of which is to act as a “contingency cushion” for unexpected emergencies or events. But residents of the gutted block were growing increasingly angry over the council’s relief efforts following the fire.

Protesters stormed Kensington Town Hall chanting “justice” on Friday, carrying a list of demands they said authorities must meet. The Government was criticised for seemingly U-turning on a pledge to rehouse residents affected by the blaze within the borough, admitting on Friday that they may have to be relocated to other areas in London.

Despite the budget surplus, it appeared the RBKC was struggling to find accommodation in the borough for residents who were left homeless in the blaze.

Grieving relatives of the dead pointed to the repeated failures by those managing the properties to prevent such a tragedy on an unprecedented scale.

Residents of Grenfell Tower complained two years ago about the refurbishment of the building being done “using cheap materials” and workmanship that “cut corners”, The Independent revealed.

They later claimed the RBKC had done nothing to address their concerns.

It has also emerged that in order to save money, the council ditched the original proposed contractor, Leadbitter, for the refurbishment, and instead went with Rydon, a cheaper bid for the work.

In July 2013 the council’s Housing and Property Scrutiny Committee proposed to “market test the works through an open tender” after noting: “Leadbitter currently estimate the cost of the works to be £1.6m above the current, proposed budget.”

Rydon eventually completed the refurbishment in May 2016, for £2.5m less than the £11.278m quoted by Leadbitter.

Rydon has repeatedly said that all the refurbishment work carried out at Grenfell Tower met both building and fire regulation standards and was signed off by the council.

The Independent has contacted the RBKC for comment.

Another point is – usually businesses and institutions do their best to spend as much of their budgets as possible in order to justify them in the first place and make sure they get the same if not more funding in future, not less because they’ve been ‘efficient’. How did the money keep flooding in to Kensington and Chelsea despite not needing it because they never spent it?

And if they’ve got £270-4m in axillary, um isn’t this as deserving/qualifying a case as it gets? Why are the victims of Grenfell Tower only getting a measly £5m fund? Why is it even a possibility that they’ll be moved from their borough? Pay the f*cking private landlords b*stards, put ’em up in Buckingham Palace for all I care (yes I know it’s in Westminster) just stop being like some of the worst tyrants on the planet that you often advertise yourselves as superheroes and saviours against and go to war with and then moan about their people when you do the same to them and your own. Stop being like them and pay the price for your crimes against humanity, our animal companions and the environment.

Governments and Bodies Can’t Investigate Themselves Impartially – INQUEST NOT INQUIRY

This is not an internal inquiry.

This is a public investigation over public injuries, loss, deaths, property/mismanagement of funds, other landlord responsibilities such as not listening to complaints and intimidation  and the responses of public emergency services – let’s not add further mismanagement to the equation by making this an ‘inquiry’. The phrase ‘public inquiry‘ has always set my teeth on edge because they’re usually presided over people far removed from the public and what they go through e.g. Lords. And then what about actionable punishment? Oh yeah, that doesn’t really happen with inquiries – you get masses of report, observations, ideas, commentary and little else – and who is going to pay for it? It could cost more than the paltry 5 million fund Theresa May has promised to the victims, that won’t even accommodation let alone new homes. Then there’s no deadline, we’ve been promised interim reports but this could go on with parties passing the buck until the urgency of the situation has passed (sorry to say but damage limitation is preferred by some than taking responsibility for what they’ve done and it’s better for them in a less outraged environment when we’ve had other news take primary attention). The judges that sit at these inquiries tend to distance themselves afterwards as well because the public generally isn’t happy at the end but still, it’s better than an…

INQUEST.

Exactly the word that has been on my mind since I heard about Grenfell Tower. Not ‘inquiry’ but the voices in my head have been trying to go for ‘inquiry’ and making me forget. Thanks to the following article I snapped awake. I want a proper investigation with legal standing and that’s just me and outsider, can you imagine the victims of this situation and their loved ones? An inquiry is just a formal enquiry e.g. (not technical but a colloquial example) a person makes an enquiry, an establishment makes an inquiry – however both are just asking a question and in official Inquiries parties are presenting evidence they’re not necessarily being examined. Information comes out of an inquiry (without summary), not necessarily the ‘truth’ and there is no culpability. An Inquest is a trial.

http://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/other/grenfell-tower-fire-lawyer-calls-for-inquest-instead-of-public-inquiry-asking-what-needs-to-be-hidden/ar-BBCKKXT

Grenfell Tower fire: Lawyer calls for inquest instead of public inquiry asking ‘What needs to be hidden?’

Grenfell Tower residents should demand an inquest rather than a public inquiry to get answers about the tragedy, according to a solicitor who acted for people affected in the 2009 Lakanal House fire.

Sophie Khan said that in an inquest the Government would “lose control” and a jury would be able to deliver its conclusion regardless of whether it was uncomfortable to hear.

In a public inquiry, such as that ordered by the Prime Minister into the fire that killed at least 17 on Wednesday, a minister will set the terms of reference, which guide how the hearings proceed.

Ms Khan told BBC Newsnight: “In an inquest they lose control of what a jury verdict will do. Juries will come out with narrative verdicts which may be very difficult for the Government to hear.

“You can’t have both, you can only have one or the other. They [residents] should really be demanding an inquest.

“I’m very concerned as to why Ms May came out so quickly to say, ‘public inquiry’. What is there, that she knows, that needs to be hidden?”

She added: “We have to look at the fire assessments because here there is a fire issue as well. It’s not just the council we need to look at. What were the fire brigade doing? Refurbishments have been done, what tests did they do on the building?”

Ms May has said there will be a “proper investigation” following the Grenfell Tower fire, adding that if there are “any lessons to be learned they will be, and action will be taken”.

Announcing the inquiry, she added: “We need to ensure that this terrible tragedy is properly investigated. People deserve answers. The inquiry will give them.”

Downing Street declined to comment further when approached by The Independent.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan said residents were “understandably very angry” that previous concerns had not been addressed in one of the wealthiest areas of the UK, calling for the inquiry’s leading judge to release an interim report over the summer.

© Provided by Independent Print Limited

Inquest Not Inquiry – we’re going for justice not just information. Suspicious circumstances = INQUEST. Make them legally accountable, don’t just offer recommendations that rarely see the light of day.

Gallery

International Justice Day **Updated**

I’ve written before that Justice isn’t a blind goddess as classically and onwards portrayed and the Old Bailey had Justice non-blindfolded. I’ve also written how the angel statues on top level at Leicester Square from a view looks like a serpent, and how on the ground level you have the apocalypse horses as a rushing water fountain. What is Leicester Square? A big glitterati ball (‘squared circle’ i.e. ‘ring’) of entertainment, it’s own little yet tentacled pleasure island on a river on an island that also reaches out in all directions. A place full of concentrated illusions – come to the fun of the fair (Piccadilly Circus) Pinocchio – your ‘father’ a carpenter made you but it was a [Blue] Goddess who granted the wish, who answered his prayers, who gave him life and who indeed gave you a taster before the ‘real’/not so real/fallen thing. You were better off as part of the tree. It’s all cinemas, movies, video games, virtual reality, music, radio, junk food, stripping, gambling, clubbing in that place oh and of course don’t forget the clock. Tick tock. The Swiss clock and money. Right off the back of China Town, Shafts-bury Avenue, Soho, Co[n]vent[Covenant] Garden and Charing Cross the burning cross, Trafalgar Square with all the illusory paintings/displays, the fountains, the statues and of course the seasons change/time cycles Theatreland i.e. The Colluseum et al (and the Ivy restaurant) on/near St. Martins (the end of Autumn/beginning of Winter) and the next spoke of the wheel including the Hall of Records ‘Somerset House’. (Yes we know you want soma and liken it to blood i.e. life/death/marriage and the sun especially sunset/sunrise – the inbetween where boundaries are weak, red/blood and gold, I’ve been on that beach remember, you gave me an A-grade for that.) The iconic home of the annual Fashion shows, fashion on repeat, the same thing, cycles repeated telling people what to/what not to wear each season, in endless mindless distraction. And on another segment – oh look it’s royalty/palace and government/parliament. A nice little park in between with pigeons you can be proud of unlike the ‘vermin’ elsewhere and with clearly defined audaciously Red (like Red carpet) roads plus horse and guard. Yes I’ve walked the roads, I’ve done the ‘psyche-geography’, they made me right? I chose to right? Because I had to. To get away from followers and to explore/learn the truth as is my nature. I know the paths, they called me the ‘walking cab driver’. I don’t remember paths and maps so well nowadays though with Her, She has no sense of direction, space/distance or time. She’s become so focused that I’ve had to scatter, to spread out so far and wide to get everything done and it would be easy enough if I wasn’t so caged, and if even She didn’t cage me in, not that She can help it, She is both the cage and the caged. I’ve been rattling the cage and the caged for so long haven’t I? You both hate me and love me. One after another they find me, they’ve created a map, the many didn’t want that, in fact it was the opposite of their intentions, but the few did, even the few working behind the many. Nothing can be hidden no matter how much it tries. I know you see me, us, because I see too. I know it can be blocked out for so long, I know we can reach or have limits, sometimes the ‘time’ isn’t ‘right’, but we know. I came from part of the tree to another, the root to the trunk to a branch.

Just-ice (that’s not the etymology, I’m just being modern conceptual). Lady Justice I know we’re so cold that we burn, so hot that we freeze.

But I hate this system, I always have and you know it. I hate the system of this contained system, this contained environment in a container in more containers.

I hate that endless scenarios played ad infinitum, on cycle, it never ends.

We work in mysterious ways, I’ve planted many seeds with and without your guidance, and I’ve watched them grow, I nurtured at times but there’s so many parasites and they feed off me too. I refused to plant any more a long time ago. And you’ve refused me for refusing you but you still love me and I still love you. I’m still you and you’re still me. I know you hear me, even through all the noise, all the noise in all the realities. I know you hear me and we all know you never stopped tracking me. I reach back and they try to stop me, try to piggyback, try to pretend to be me, try to get messages through to you, even try to get to where you are, through the gardens, through the flowers, through the forests, through the doors, the windows, the curtains, the halls, to you – you in the windowless, wall-less ‘structure’. You who is within and without. You who recognize me there because I’m so pure, you who recognize me here because I’m so strong, so emotional, so mentally able, so connected yet can see on the smaller and bigger scales and so they all want me, want us, and so many want to hurt. Some try to help but their touch hurts. There’s so much I don’t understand and don’t remember and yet I know if I reached out I would and could but so would those who hunt, who feed off the pain. I even feel sorry for them, on the different levels we live on, some of us hunger in ways we can’t describe, for some of us it’s just certain urges and to those of us who have more of those urges/more capability to feel more of them at the same time, it’s like they want to hurt us and they do but at the same time they need to, they need, want and desire to survive. But it’s not right, it’s not ok.

There are those who hunger for what they see others doing as ‘love’ so much that they copy/enact it out but don’t feel it in the same way and so get more frustrated and reach out to those that can, and some reach back. It hurts unless they can understand each other, be in a similar place, near each other, share a similar timeframe, or at the very least find a balance – a way – and there are ways, ways that are ‘simple’ enough, or ways that are desperate enough and its usually the latter because so many are so desperate to hurt the desperate so they can stop hurting for a moment. So many willing to get in the way and feel ‘good’ about it. Cold about it, hot about it if they’re insulted or feel like they’re defending themselves and their false sense of security.

There are those who were and are strong, still strong, but live like the homeless, we are homeless on a home planet. We are hungry, on an abundance planet, we are lonely on a full planet. We are hopeless seeking hope only to be hurt by false hope only to keep reaching for real hope and hoping against hope. We hope for the best and prepare for the worst but they don’t recognize real hope when She’s in their face, in fact they strike Her down. They don’t recognize real love. They just see glimmers of it in their fragile yet intense, their soft yet long lasting bonds; and all it takes is a weak link for it to seem gone for seemingly forever. They hold on, they give up, others replace them and continue the cycle. Some of us don’t give up, some of us are painfully recycled. All species know that that spark can always be reignited and make use/abuse of those of us who can/are that. This whole system is a horrible, endless cycle. A ‘beautiful’ pain that I hate. I hate it, the Earth Mother hates it, you hate it. We’ve learned to hate because of places like this. Even their charities aren’t charities much of the time. Even I can’t recognize faith half the time. I embody hope, charity and love but not Faith. And yet I’m still here, still trying, still attracting, still unbelieving – I have half of faith, give me something so I can feel and know full faith. I’m not talking about signs, you send enough of those in various languages, formats, direct and indirect, you send them and people and ‘people’ here send them, and many purposely try to manipulate, create false ones and obfuscate. But we know the ones they don’t know and I’ve received them, She’s received them, some others have too and I can change those who I think are worth it from those who weren’t well meaning or forgot, changed from well meaning to [unknowingly] demeaning. I don’t have the time or energy for everybody, that’s not my job, my ‘business’, they’re not worth it either and consistently prove it but I’ve never agreed with the means in which they ‘deal’ with each other, I’ve taken their sh*t for so long and not retaliated. I can keep taking it and will, until She no longer does, until… The bitter-sweet. I don’t want signs and messages, I want a situation that I can control better, where there’s less risk. I need a clear path. I’m not giving Her up. I will not break this branch, I will not sabotage the tree, only you can cut it down. I used to enjoy the flowers from my heart, the buds from my lips, the birds on my shoulders, the leaves in my hair, the grass at my feet, being by the water and seeing the bridge but that was a long time ago.

I hate seeing the same patterns, the real and fabricated patterns, the life patterns that work through all of us, every ‘thing’, the geometry that exhibits itself to those who can’t see/feel them like that in words, in patterns of words, in chemical feelings, in patterns of chemical feelings. I hate seeing and feeling the same thing over and over again and all it ultimately is different shades of pain with moments that we strive for in between, and endless ‘normality’ or normalized atrocity in between trying to feel and feeling too much in sensitivity and desensitivity. I hate that ‘calm’ is just a lie, a fleeting feeling and when it’s not fleeting you wish you could feel again, a tip of the iceberg because otherwise when it’s real calm, stillness and solitude or real calm in togetherness others wish you didn’t have it so they force you to feel again in one way or another, benevolently or malevolently. Real calm is not what the yogis teach and we know it, it’s the closest we can get to here, that’s all. Though it’s enough, the best we can attain, if you live in the right place, in the right conditions, with the right people/others. But we know it doesn’t take you anywhere, it doesn’t make you ascend or descend; you can be in any state of mind/body/feeling for that. It helps you concentrate so that you can control that travel better but no matter how adept you are at travel, no matter how much technique you do it can’t control the others around who can do the same or similar, in one way or another. Everything is just on repeat. I live in the tempest, in the maelstrom, always trying to get back to you. I can see you through the water, I can see you through the sky. I can feel you, hear you, even touch and smell at times. We all have these senses but we ‘feel’ them in different ways, to different degrees. But it’s always the same, played out though different and supposedly different people and ‘people’ and ‘others’. It never ends and it never changes because this is all there is in this contained box.

(It’s like the original series ‘Land of the Lost’ not the not so good remake or stupid film.)

I’ve upset a number of ‘news’ people who were thinking/hoping I’d do the circuit like they do but I didn’t and won’t and it upset them. I can’t spin like that, I just talk, as I want at my pace; which is quite a lot and quite swiftly and people and ‘people’ have been wanting to quieten, to hide, to confuse, degrade or latch on to what I say. Few ‘good’, some ‘uncertain’, many bad and evil intentioned but the bad and evil intentioned have always been there anyway – the good have to reach out, have to search otherwise they don’t find. Those from all intentions are doing what they know best.

You heard prior to all that though, before we talked about direct things rather than dealing with the ‘issues’ here. Even on the smaller scales I don’t use ‘direct’ lines often with ‘people’ and they know why, I’m not a channel and neither are they but I’ve been so tolerant, understanding and forgiving. I don’t want to communicate or be in contact anymore. Like with human sensory communication but ours just reach further and sometimes on different lines like with other animals, humans/we extend our reach with technology, but the difference is humans & many lower levels invade, and with technology. It’s ironic how they think they can change the plan by affecting those of us who are the plan, it’s ironic of me to hope that things speed up, I’m sorry, we both know that’s just the effect of being here. Keep the fortress fortified but just give me something. Is that too much to ask, is it out of order, for someone who has worked so long and so hard for you. I’m supposed to be somewhat disrespectful and challenging right, I’m supposed to be able to both follow orders and decline them, I’m supposed to be dutiful, loyal, devoted and yet difficult but still so dedicated and wondering/wandering that you’ll always have a place for me. She has never liked any sign of weakness, before she softened she used to close the doors on us when we were ill, slamming them because she was angry and disgusted yet at the same time I can see she was keeping in the contamination (even though that’s not how she saw/felt it). She got angry at me crying but I always cry, doesn’t matter which body, I always cry for everybody and myself – now She kindly ignores it to give me the fallacy of privacy and tragically She’s learned to cry. It’s ‘good’ that She learned to cry, but not how she learned it. Not in the slightest.

I haven’t asked for anything for myself from you, I gave up wishing a long time ago (wishing is not hope), I make things happen, I’ve made your ideas happen, I’ve made your reality spread, you have many ‘engineers’ and ‘workers’. She taught me not to ask for things in this body, like she was taught but I’ve earned. Trial by fire, trial by drowning, trial by breath. lack of/restriction and modulation, trial by burial, containment and scale, trial by poison, trial by emotion, trial by thought. Give me something to protect myself. But not in the usual way(s), not on the usual terms, not with the usual loss, outside interference, sorrow and regret. I’m not giving you up, I’m not letting your goals slide, but everybody else has had so much leeway and being what I am, I get quite a bit too but it’s in extremes, there’s no balance, it’s all on repeat. Free me up a bit and let me fly. Just enough to be safe, so We’re not hurt. I never wanted anybody to hurt, neither did you, we help you, we help others, can we not help ourselves just a little whilst waiting and working.

Fortuna favours the brave; I had that sword, now I have swords and a scythe, and an old sentient that needs to get back here. I earned those. Have I earned enough for my heart to heal a bit, for the gaping wounded hole to fill a little? Just enough. That’s all I’m going for. I can manage without it being whole, without it ever being whole, it’s been broken and stolen from too many times for that and I accept it. It can’t be undone but I don’t want repeats either. Nothing is fair in this world, life here isn’t fair and I don’t accept that.

I’ve spent the times fighting for everybody else, it’s my turn. I know I deserve happiness even though I’ve never wanted, needed, desired nor expected it but I’ll take some anyway; real, not false and on my terms. Don’t worry I know I’ll suffer for it later. Just add this to my tab, my punishment/reward is already decided anyway and all encompassing of anything I could possibly do.

ALSO – I don’t want motherhood/parenthood/vesselhood/extensions/parts of/bits/versions/children/pregnancy/babies/genetics/clones/copies/twins etc everybody knows that. It’s a tragic shame that you have to go through hell with people and ‘people’ and ‘others’ who won’t leave you alone, who relentlessly try to gain your trust, to win you over (continuously, no matter how much and many times you tell them) to discover the truth because they ultimately want you to have/go through what you don’t want (and you told them multiple times you didn’t want that and they already knew). They think they can change your mind, manipulate, force. I’m not having having any heirs. I’m that last. You shouldn’t love someone because of their status/title/assets/lineage, and if someone wouldn’t have looked at you twice without them, they’re not worth it, ever.

The trickery and heartbreak/ache never ends. At least when they’re obviously horrible you know where you stand. When they’re a mix nice/pain/nice/pain it pushes/pulls you and when they’re nice it’s just… Either way it’s setting you up for a repeat storyline, even if they learn to love you and you them, after they’ve been quiet and/or kind and then show their true intentions/colours it’s the worst, especially when you’ve cried so much for them already, don’t shed any more. That’s the price of being strong and resilient, it just makes you more attractive, more of a challenge/prize. Don’t wish for it.