Pursuing natural health & thinking beyond the superficial. Deconstructing Culture.

Posts tagged ‘Long term suffering’

People with ‘Mental Health’ Deserve the Right to Euthanasia and Patient Assisted Suicide too, not just ‘Physically/Terminally Ill’ People

People with ‘Mental Health’ Deserve the Right to Euthanasia and Patient Assisted Suicide Too, Not Just ‘Physically/Terminally Ill’ People

I used to hear automatic words, mostly God names and certain people’s names on loop and I used to feel like I was under threat, like something bad would happen, that they would make fears or make the fears I had happen. This happened for years, I learned to fight it back by forcing myself to breathe deeply and trying to think about something else. They weren’t necessarily panic attacks because they could last for days at a time. It would become a physical pressure. There was a couple of times when I was making a sandwich and all of a sudden I’d be pointing the knife at my heart and almost daring myself to kill myself and feeling my arm pushing towards me, something telling me (not in words but just a feeling) that I was wrong, bad, guilty, a failure, a shame, worthless, no good at anything and should be dead. Those occasions didn’t last long but I’d be crying and fighting my arm and this strange sudden consciousness to pull back and leave me alone. They were traumatic.

Obviously in the last 16 months this has become full blown voice hearing and hallucinations. Overall in the long run I’m not getting any better and all of the practices I’ve learned and keep learning to help are simply temporary fixes that the older I get don’t last long, at this point in my life they only last 2 days max. But I still try, why? Because there’s euthanasia and patient assisted suicide aren’t legal in this country. I’m pretty much over the whole I need to protect and look after those I love and feel obligated to, I’ve had enough and need to rest in peace.

I hear my own voice played at me loudly like a tape recorder but I’m not allowed to think in it, when I try to think I’m silenced.

I’m tired of being “inspirational” to people as I was told today and providing coping strategies because I’ve tried and developed so many, I manage to touch people and give them renewed energy but there’s no fix for me. I’m not sick of helping others, I’m sick of being sick. I’ve been ill probably my entire life, obviously since I was 12 but likely beforehand given the major hair and memory loss between the ages 5-10. It just gets worse, today I ate a meal and it became the body of my best friend, my dead best friend. Then it was put inside me and vomited out (if it’s not put in one orifice then its put in another if not all of them), that was after seeing him hacked to death once again and again and again (and his orifices aren’t safe either).

In the last 16 months it’s like I’ve been internally explaining to a child the risks of every day of everyday things like ‘be careful of this, that does that, this does this’ etc but because this ‘child’ is a cruel, nasty, evil thing disguised as a child (group of them actually with ugly faces and mannerisms) instead of knowing these every day things as low risk or unlikely, they’ve become risks that shouldn’t have to be. Just being careful and knowing with gentle guidance isn’t enough, I can’t even touch some things/others anymore such as sharp objects, instead of being able to look at the toilet I’ve been made to ‘want’ to stick my head in there and eat the contents. I hate my condition. I hate being called a whore and beggar all day. I hate everything about it, there’s no redeeming or easy to manage features at all. Everything has become a disgusting risk that I have to take too seriously.

There’s no end in sight.

And then if/when I get ‘better’ how much possibility will there be of a relapse? That it’ll hit me when I least expect it and damage me even worse?

I want retribution on these ‘voices/characters’ but I can’t access them and I probably wouldn’t want to, I’d need someone to do that for me, but how can retribution or even revenge even be gotten on such ‘things’ especially if they’re not real. I didn’t choose to be born like this, for these things to happen, I didn’t have any real opportunities no matter how many I tried to make and pursue, there’s always been trauma and too much to deal with, why should I have to live let alone like this?

It’s not just the ‘mentally ill’ either, no one ever asks what about the abused, raped, prostituted, molested, violated, beaten, slaves, other trauma experienced people? What if they say “I’ve just had enough?”

Let us die in peace, legally, without pain/difficulty, without recourse to those who may have helped or known about it, and cheaply for goodness sake.